The Story of a Man Born With Only Two Hands

Post from the Past

2010-05-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

"There's an aching in my brain, and it's acting like a black hole, slowly pulling my head inwards. I can actually feel my head getting smaller, I can no longer think clearly. Eventually my cranial supports will collapse from the stress, causing my head to effectively implode. All that will be left of me will be my glasses, and one, very long eyebrow." - 12/07/07

From my old LiveJournal account. Art by Caitlin Azzari.

Here's a short clip from Joe Totten's new short

2010-04-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

Joe is shooting a short mockumentary of sorts chronicling both KUCR and The Highlander Newspaper. I was lucky enough to be part of it. Here's a short clip of my part in it:

Thomas Bremser: The Amazing Wonder-Bike

2010-04-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

Thomas Bremser, early in his million-mile bike ride
Thomas Bremser is a good buddy of mine who also happens to be totally, and utterly, crazy. Last year he ran the LA Marathon. He's also a bicycle commuter who would regularly make the ride out from San Bernardino to hang out with us in Riverside. A little while back he decided he was going to ride his bike all the way up the West Coast (which, according to countless LA based rappers is quite easily considered the "best coast"). He started that journey down in San Diego on April 6th.

I sat down with him when he made it up to Newport Beach and recorded the following interview. That was on April 9th. It's now April 20th and last I heard, he was up in Los Osos by San Luis Obispo. That puts him about 375 miles into his approximately million-mile goal of making it to Canada. Anyhow, do listen to the following interview and if you'd like to check out his blog, do so by clicking here.

Stream the interview here (21 minutes):

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io

Or download it from this site:
http://drop.io/bravefencerthomas

p.s. this is our 100th post!

the lie and how we told it: Where Did It All Go Wrong? by Zuhair Abdulla

2010-04-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

Where Did It All Go Wrong?
by Zuhair Abdulla

"It's not working out. I'm not in love with you, and to be honest I'm not sure I ever was or ever will be. I know this sounds rough, but I'm just trying to be honest with you. I can't pretend to love you, and even if I could you wouldn't want me to. Trust me." Julia took a step back from the mirror and smiled a little bit. She decided this is what she would say. "It's perfect," she thought. She smiled not because she enjoyed the idea of possibly hurting this boy, but instead because she felt it was honest. She believed that every word she was rehearsing over, and over again was true.

Julia pulled open her drawer and grabbed a cigarette she had stolen from her father's pack and lit it with one of them cheap, disposable, orange Bic lighters. She had found it in a field behind school and decided to keep it when she realized it still worked. Julia pulled her chair up to her open bedroom window as she smoked. Out of the window she could see little Bobby Miller pulling up in his father's Town & Country. She didn't realize that the words she chose would cause irreparable damages. She was, however, wondering whether it would be best to deliver the news before or after they had eaten dinner. Having had no previous experience with matters of the heart made this the only difficult decision she felt she had to make tonight.

As Bobby Miller got out of the passenger side of his dad's mini-van, he smiled a smile like never before. These are the things that excited him:

1) Avatar. He couldn't believe he was finally going to see Avatar! In 3D no less!

2) The implied possibility of holding Julia's hand. Perhaps a kiss? Maybe not tonight.

3) Mancat. This was a superhero he thought of earlier in the day. He figured this to be the perfect boyfriend for Catwoman. He never did understand the relationship a bat could have with a cat. I mean, sure, the animal names rhyme, but beyond that? To Bobby Miller there just wasn't a believable relationship there.

He walked the entire length of the long driveway with that goofy smile on his face, and kept it on as he took the short, concrete path across the lawn that connected the driveway to the front door. It did, however, fade as he knocked on the door, excitement instantly replaced with nervousness about going on his very first date.

Zuhair Abdulla is...well hey! That's me! I'm a Zuhair Abdulla!

To read the other stories in "the lie and how we told it," click here.

the lie and how we told it: Spring Time Bus Stop Bench by Kelly Mahoney

2010-04-13T03:22:00.000-07:00

Spring Time Bus Stop Bench
by Kelly Mahoney

Liquid grey and let it pour. Clouds appear around noon and soon rain floods the streets of my city. Each drop mumbles a secret to me as one by one they crash down onto my bare, pale skin, giving my freckled shoulders goosebumps. "Calm down, love," says one. I do what I'm told. I twist my neck and face my left, touching my chin to my shoulder. Young, ill-prepared businessmen sprint down sidewalks to parking garages and I close my eyes. The air is warm and wet and sweet. "You don't always have to accept the things you're faced with," it drips down my eyelid to my lashes, "Sometimes things are unacceptable." My damp cotton shirt sticks to the front of me. Leaning forward from painted wood, I let them tickle my back. "You know the colors you see when you close your eyes? That is what's real. Nothing else." I smile. "The words you hear are just tiny hairs picking up vibrations." Bite my lip. "You're here. Don't get gone yet." I laugh and look up at that bright, cinder block grey. The grey that I crave when my blue fades away. All I can ever see are those Prunus dulcis eyes. My lids close as I tilt my head back and let their words wash over me.

Kelly Mahoney is a student in Riverside. Read her blog, I Am Watching Naomi, Full Bloom.

the lie and how we told it: The Flower Fields by John Kelly

2010-04-12T03:26:00.000-07:00

The Flower Fields
by John Kelly

“Time to wake up, Kid!” my grandfather shouted, yanking the covers off me. “We got lots to do, and less time to do it.” Every day we worked together began in this abrupt fashion; and in moments I was in his truck, huddling near the heater for comfort while the engine warmed.

“Hold on to your socks, Squirt,” he’d say, and begin down our paved driveway, which gave way to a steep, dirt road. I remember watching him in awe as he held his full cup of coffee motionless, the truck shaking wildly down the hill, without spilling a drop.

Before work we often went to the airport for breakfast. He’d drive west on Palomar Airport Road, past the Carlsbad Race Track, until we crossed El Camino Real: here, he would tell stories of how, hundreds of years ago, the Spanish had traveled this very road along the length of California and established the missions, some of which still survived. And just beyond this sudden crossroads of past and present, we arrived at Palomar Airport.

The café was located at the top of an old, remolded communications tower, where we usually sat in a booth with a panoramic view of the runway. As I watched the planes land and takeoff, he would order me pigs in a blanket, my favorite. I learned many things in that booth, like how he’d manned a bomber during the Korean War, the history of our side of the family and their emigration; and also practical things, such as table manners. “You see, Kiddo,” he’d explain, “manners aren’t just silly little rules, they’re a way of showing respect to those around you.”

After breakfast we would head west again, toward the flower fields. In the summer, the fragrance came first, and then they would come into view: rolling hills, stretching endlessly to the horizon, blanketed in patches of red, yellow, orange, and blue flowers. It reminded me of the patchwork my grandmother knitted me for Christmas, which kept me warm in the winter.

The work we did together varied greatly. I learned how to use tools properly, how to lift with my legs and not my back, and the gratification of physical labor. “Hard work is character.” he loved to say.

In the evening, when we arrived at the base of the hill, he’d sometimes put me in the drivers seat. “Now take her nice ‘n easy.” he’d warn. I’d drive up the hill slowly, completely focused on keeping the massive truck under control.

We’d spend the rest of the evening casually, and after dinner, he would see me to bed. “Good job today, Kiddo.” he’d whisper once I was comfortably in bed. ”Love you. Goodnight.” Then he would close the door and turn off the light.

*******************************
My grandfather passed away a couple of years ago. Recently I was driving south on the 5 Freeway, and, seeing the exit for Palomar Airport Road, I decided to make a quick visit to the flower fields. I exited and headed east, towards the fields – and my heart sank: here, where the fields once began, I now found car dealerships, gas stations, strip malls, and industrial buildings; the landscape of my childhood had been swallowed by the inexorable march of progress.

When I was a child, I saw as a child, and now, years later, at this impasse between remembrance and presence, the things I saw were unfamiliar, and my memories gave no solace.

John Kelly lives in Costa Mesa and is a wonderful man.

To read the other stories in "the lie and how we told it," click here.

the lie and how we told it: Kat in Heat by Dayla Zdunich, Steven Xavier Torres Armas, Tracey Whitford, Kelly Mahoney, and Erin Mahoney

2010-04-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

Kat in Heat
by Dayla Zdunich and Steven Xavier Torres Armas
Click on that guy to make it a readable size

This is normally where I would write a little bit about the authors, but I don't actually know them, so I can't. Instead, just make something up about where they're from and what they do while they're there.

To read the other stories in "the lie and how we told it," click here.

the lie and how we told it: Time Again by David Layden

2010-04-07T13:16:00.001-07:00

Time Again
by David Layden

If I had a name tag (and I sometimes wish I did) it would say HENRY. I only know because that is what this girl hovering above me – not at all angel-like – keeps saying. “Henry, where were you last night?”…”Henry, why do you look and smell like toasted dog shit?”…”Henry, get in the fucking shower and think and clean and think real good because you have some explaining to do.”

Even with this hangover I remember that dad accidentally switched the hoses under the faucet in the bathroom sink. It has been years now and I have just never bothered to switch them back. The routine: Turn on the cold tap (which is really the hot), check! Sit down on the toilet for five minutes with head in hands and go over list. I was yelled at today, this is how I woke up. I smell, check! My back hurts so I must have either slept on the floor or started out on the bed and was pushed onto the floor, check! There is a woman in my house I barely know, check! I have both hands and both feet, check! My name is... shaking my head in disappointment doesn’t make the answer come any quicker. I keep telling myself “I need a damn name tag."

I see steam rising from the sink, turn off the faucet and step into the shower. For two whole seconds my body is shocked by very cold water and then scalded as I fumble to turn the knob in the opposite direction, then I am shocked so I turn it again. It usually takes me a good minute to remember to turn by degrees, that small movements will yield pleasant results. I must be in here for a long time because every once in a while as the water beats down, as the toothpaste makes a trail out of my mouth, down my belly and collects for a few seconds moisture-like in my pubic hair then follows on to the floor, down the drain, as this happens I keep hearing through the soap and water in my ears, a dull pounding and that goddamned voice again. “Henryyyyy,” oh yeah, that’s my name... ”Henry you motherfucker you better not be avoiding meeee!!” And then the dissonance is gone and then it returns. The pounding gets louder, the words more cruel, the voice more sharp, then it retreats. What on earth could I have done to attract all of this anger? Thank God my house has good water pressure. Maybe it's strong enough to wash away all this dirt, this skin, these bones, that shrill cunt pounding on the door, this house, the block I am on, whatever it is I did wrong and the rest of my memory.

I grab my humongous salmon-pink towel and wrap myself, reach for the bathroom doorknob and hear a lot of quiet. I panic; she must be either distracted or waiting. My mind does not work in split seconds so I do my best. I unlock the bathroom door and hurry toward the bedroom. From somewhere not so distant I hear bare feet on wood floor heading toward me. Lock both bedroom doors, check! “Thump! Thump! Thump!”

“Why are you doing this to me?” With all the clarity I could muster I say in a very loud voice “May I please have some alone time, I have not had a good week and I need to sort things out and I cannot do it with you up my ass every waking moment!" And then there was a pause. I felt a fullness inside of me growing, an uncomfortableness. A quiet, then another quiet. And then, from behind the door, a muffled holocaust of words. “...shit...fuck you...son of a...fuck...do you think you are talking to...I have been nothing but nice...fuck...” And then I open the door to see her wide-eyed, ugly. Anger made her not pretty at all. I started feeling a cramp and stopped. I looked her in the eye and said “We have only been dating for a goddamned month and already this is the grief I get? You act like a fucking wife!!” As the blur of her hand motioned towards my face I felt a cramp and then an easiness and then, sunshine. The look on her was absolute puzzlement. My face still stinging from her slap, I followed her gaze down past her breasts to her skirt, legs, socks, and shoes, which along with the floor were covered with lukewarm piss. I looked down at my cock which was halfway hard and dribbling urine now on my own foot. I paused then and heard rustling. When I looked up I saw half of her overcoat slip past the front door. I went over to the door quick and locked it, check!

David Layden can often be found in Santa Ana with a magical bag filled with magical whiskeys. This might just be a man who actually likes whiskey more than I do.

To read the other stories in "the lie and how we told it," click here.

the lie and how we told it: Musings of Monsters by Joe Zavella

2010-04-05T07:24:00.001-07:00

Oh boy, it's been a while since we posted a story up here. Sorry for that. What with all the moving I've been doing and the sickness with the coughing and the spitting and the mucus and the headaches. Not to mention all the birthdays, oh! The birthdays! So many birthday's last week (and today)! Also, I didn't realize (quite stupidly) that my new apartment would not come with built-in interwebs. Anyhow. I will be posting when I can, hopefully everyday again. We still have quite a few stories left so I hope you're still reading! Anyhow, sorry for the interruption in service, please carry forward to read a new story by Joe Zavella.

Musings of Monsters
by Joe Zavella

My body jerks to the left and I am ripped out of a good dream, probably my last . My eyelids close tighter before opening into tiny slits. Blurs of color and shape begin to focus in front of me. I bend down to rub my eyes and let my head rest in my hands for just a moment. First I notice the chains that bind my wrists to my ankles. They jingle as they sway. I lift my head and I remember, sometimes it takes me a minute to remember. Orange jumpsuits. Another jerk to the left. This bus ain't made for four-wheeling like this. Only thing making this a road and not a trench is that we're driving in it. They welded a bird cage to the outside of this bus, s'pose they got hip to folks jumpin' out the window. Course the guards would just shoot you down, more bullets on this bus than there should be. All for us. On the other side of the glass the rain and dirt mix to blur my last glimpse of the outside world. They locked me next to some billy-goat punk kid. A degenerate and a thug. He belongs here. Most of them do. Mad and vicious, hooligans. Rapists and murderers. Hissing and spitting when they laugh. They better not spit on me, dammnit this dog's still got bite! They don't care what they leavin' behind, they dont think about it. Not me though, I think about it all the time. Playing with my kids, two girls, laughing and running, playing chase around an old stump we had in the yard. Every time I would catch them they would start screamin and laughin'. My wife, my beautiful wife. Sometimes I close my eyes and remember times when she would come from behind and wrap her arms around me, thin and delicate. Her hair laid gently against the top of my head, her warm breath on my neck, the feel of her cheek against mine. The smell of her lips. I like to think about the little things with my wife.

This is not my first time in a bus like this. I been on the inside of a cell. I have even been in this very trench before, too many times, each time with a new lie for my girls. Daddy’s going on a business trip for a few months. Don’t worry girls, daddy is gonna go take care of a friend for a couple years. Daddy got a job for the summer. Don’t worry honey, daddy is just gonna be gone for the weekend. I s'pose I didn’t want my lil' girls to know the nature of their ol' man. But that’s just the thing about girls; The day comes when you don’t have to get down on one knee to talk to them. The day that they realize all the lies you told, all the holes in their lives that you've dug. That one more is coming, and this time I won’t be coming back to fill it. Everyone's crying while trying not to. Lil' Mary hugs me so hard I think she's gonna break her arms. Allie slaps me with all the hate her little heart can hold. My face stings as tears stain both our cheeks. And I know that at least one of them gave me what I deserved. My beautiful wife, she tells me they're moving, that they won't visit. She cries through her words. The tears stream down her face, aged with a lifetime of worry and struggle. I try to memorize every line.

They say I done terrible things. That I used up all my chances. It's true. I hurt too many people and now must spend my life in a barred cell. Finally going to put this old monster in his cage. Where he can sit and think bout what he's done, all the things he's destroyed. That billy-goat punk neighs another punch line and everyone is laughing and spitting. Fangs disguised as teeth, horns combed back like hair. Claws like fingers. A carriage of monsters who look like men, given only so many chances to hurt anyone who would love them before being sent away to howl and grunt and beat their chests. The bus comes to a stop and as I emerge I feel the rain on my face. It feels good. I wonder if this is what a man feels when the rain falls on his face. I s'pose there is no point on wonderin' how a man feels in the rain. This is not a place for men, only monsters who once were given the chance.

Joe Zavella lives and studies in Riverside, CA. In fact, I'm his new neighbor. Read his blog, it's wonderful: Joe Zavella, Man Shaped Gorilla.

the lie and how we told it: Junk by Taylor Lewis

2010-03-31T10:13:00.000-07:00

Junk
by Taylor Lewis

He stood in the doorway and stared inside, listening to the soft tapping of rain on the roof and remembering. In spite of what he was about to do, he still loved the smell of grease and oil. Loved the feeling of holding a wrench. Loved bringing broken objects back to life. He was good at what he did, or at least he thought so. Still, he had no other choice.

He would double-check to make sure he had set up everything correctly. It had to look believable or else they wouldn’t pay and that wouldn’t do. After all, he was now worth more dead than alive and they wouldn’t give his family a dime if it looked like suicide. He knew they would probably think that anyway, since everybody knew about his money troubles. They would know that hardly anybody ever came into his shop anymore. And with the bank getting ready to take his house, a business just about ready to go under, and his wife having already left him, suicide would be the first thing they suspected, which was the reason why he was being so careful. It has to look believable, he kept reminding himself. Besides, the equipment was old. Of course, even though it looked old and worn it was always expertly maintained, but they wouldn’t know that.

He walked slowly past all the machinery, running his callused and leathery hands lovingly over each one. He sighed, and felt bad that they would soon perish by his own hand when it was he who had cared for them for so long. Still, it was necessary.
Spending a few moments looking at each of his tools, with every step his chest slowly filled with both dread and excitement as he carved his way further inside. He felt guilty because of the excitement. Then again, he felt guilty about a lot of things.
At last he reached the back of the room and stopped next to where he kept the welding tanks. The cart that held the oxygen and acetylene used for welding had been sabotaged and if any traces of his handiwork were found, it would appear as though the tank had been dropped and developed a leak.

While the room filled with the highly flammable gas, the rain continued to pelt the roof overhead. Then, an air compressor nearby kicked on.
A violent explosion rocked the building.

Standing on a small rise half a mile away, he watched the explosion through a set of binoculars. Flames ate at the roof and snarled out of the shattered windows. He turned and took a step but looked back at the rising flames again. Then, with all the effort he could muster, he turned and began walking down the hill, toward the rail yard. Soon he would be just another vagrant riding the rails.

He had thought about actually going up in flames along with everything else, but he wasn’t ready to die yet, and he could still be useful. And he would find a way to keep an eye on his family somehow. Maybe someday he could return to them and offer an explanation for what he had done. Or maybe not. He still had to learn how to look at himself in the mirror.

Taylor Lewis lives in Orange County where he "accepts ridiculous amounts of money for toys." Check out his tumblng tumblr, Rust in Pieces

the lie and how we told it: Tiles and Tribulations by Erin Mahoney

2010-03-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

This is Erin Mahoney's second entry in the series. She also wrote this one, which served as the introduction to this string of fiction we've been posting. She hand-wrote and scanned the following story and sent it to me late last week. I love it, and I think you will too.

Tiles and Tribulations
by Erin Mahoney
Click on that guy to make it a readable size.

the lie and how we told it: First Knowledge by James Park

2010-03-26T16:10:00.000-07:00

First Knowledge
By James Park

The first emotion that DH630-3M felt wasn't love, or happiness, but jealousy. It began when he noticed that DH630-4M and DH630-5M were being installed with full-motion hands while he was left with the ancient pointer. Without knowing what he was feeling, he noticed that his sensors kept following their hands as they tested their range of motion. After he was shut down at night, he would intentionally power back on and replay the recorded video of that afternoon’s testing sessions, silently watching as -4M and -5M picked up small rubber balls, waved to the testers and even reached out for each other.

It got worse when -4M and -5M began disappearing from the lab for days at a time. The testers would return them with low charges and broken joints, but -4M and -5M never seemed to mind. -3M wondered where they went and why he wasn’t taken with them.

Then they were given permanent covers and new sensors. At first, -3M had trouble telling them apart from the testers but their slow, awkward movements soon made it easy to see the difference. But he watched as -4M and -5M observed each other with their new sensors, and he knew why even though the testers left them facing the sockets at night, they would return in the morning to find them facing each other. He watched as they used their new hands to feel their new skins and they used their new skin to feel their hands.

-3M didn’t have new hands, or new skin. His sensors were prototypes and outdated. But his processor was just as fast as the ones in -4M and -5M and his software was upgraded along with theirs. And while he didn’t have a full-motion hand, his pointer had a small laser fixed to its end.
When the testers came in the next morning, they found -5M on the floor, its hands splayed out and in place of its new sensors were two dark, ash-filled craters. -4M was hidden under a dustcover in the corner, facing the wall. They found -3M with multiple blown fuses and a charred stub where its pointer should be. Unable to determine what had happened, the testers blamed the mess on burglars and scrapped DH630-3M. They would have to continue with only the -4M prototype.

Three months later, -4M’s sensors registered movement again as the testers rolled in two new prototypes. DH640-6M and DH640-7M had new skin covering their entire frames and their full-motion hands didn’t require command sequences to begin operation. But -6M’s hand motions seemed strangely familiar to -4M. Its new sensors didn’t match the records in -4M’s memory banks, but the way -6M was found in the morning, facing -7M instead of the socket, tripped a minor alarm inside -4M.

The first emotion that DH630-4M felt had been love. The second emotion was jealousy.

James Park lives and works in San Francisco. Track him down and buy him a beer. You can read his tweets @robocopinator.

the lie and how we told it: Blue Sunday Bookstore Blues by Jake Kilroy

2010-03-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

Blue Sunday Bookstore Blues
by Jake Kilroy
I was moving through the used bookstore as if I were fondling the art of a museum.

The light at the end of the aisle jangled a terrible hum. But, as I swayed towards the end of the aisle, there came the rickety music box voice of a teenage boy. It was a wobbly sound, the forlorn melody of a boy trying to impress a girl. It’s a song that nobody likes to hear, but it’ll be dazzling nobody until the end of mankind.

There, sitting next to a girl, was a boy with an optimistic look that only belongs to somebody without a tender understanding of humiliation.

“I don’t like writing. I like having written,” the boy said.

“Yeah,” drawled the girl sitting next to him, reading a red book.

I faced the walls of books, keeping my eyes away but my ears around.

“I think I just like watching the page numbers go up,” he said.

The girl nodded.

“That's probably what Tolstoy thought,” said the boy, his own throat rattling like a jail key in a jar, “you know, because War And Peace was so long.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you ever read War And Peace?”

“No.”

“Me neither."

The girl’s phone rang. She answered it and headed outside. I noticed what book the girl had been reading and I felt close to homesick. The boy fiddled with random books, which, for whatever reason, confirmed to me that he was inexperienced with women.

“Kid, either your head or your heart is going to explode if you keep up with that storm you call affection,” I said, my eyes still roving the books.

“I‘m sorry?”

“I dated that girl years ago. Not her, obviously, but somebody close. And I’ve gathered you’re in love with her.”

“Well, I don't know if it's love.”

“How old are you?”

“Almost 16.”

“It will be.”

“What will be?”

“I don’t know. You tell me,” I said, finally turning to look at him.

He stared emptily at me, which is quite a feat for teenagers, as their heads, if I remember it correctly, are like roomfuls of typewriters.

“I think I’m going to go see if everything’s alright,” he said, moving past me towards the exit.

“She's already found out about Vonnegut, hasn’t she?”

The boy stopped and came back. “Yeah. How did you know that? She's been reading him a lot lately.”

“And what do you read?”

“Whatever my teachers tell me to.”

I shook my head. “That’s not good enough, kid. Pretty soon, that girl’s going to be finishing A Clockwork Orange while you're just starting The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. If you want the intellectual, you can’t be young. You have to be smarter than age.”

“How do I do that?” the boy said asked sincerely.

“You make youth last.”

“I thought you said I can’t be young.”

“You’re only young until you’re old. If you make youth last, there’s no such thing as older.”

“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”

“I know you don’t, but I’m a lot older than you.”

“I thought you said there was no such thing as older.”

“That’s only if you make youth last.”

“You didn’t?”

“No,” I said definitely.

“What happened?”

“Like I told you before, I loved the same girl when I was your age.”

“And?”

“And I didn’t love her right.”

“I'm sorry to hear that. What went wrong?”

“You don’t get to know.”

“Oh, sorry for prying.”

“Prying? Kid, I've been breaking and entering into your life for the last few minutes. No, I mean you don’t get to know because it'll ruin your chances with that girl outside. All I’m saying is you better tell her how you feel before she discovers Bukowski.”

“Why?”

“Because then it means she’s already read between the lines of Hemingway.”

The girl reappeared and I glided away like a specter, down the aisle, rummaging through the books until I found it. I opened up the copy of A Farewell To Arms I had seen so many times on my night table, on her night table and in the bookstore these last few years.

In an instant, I was sick.

My hands became oil-starved machines, creaking as they moved the pages with something that should’ve resembled grace. I read her name and my name on the title page and what I had written in between. Squeezing my eyes for a moment, I moved with an anguished fury to the counter and finally bought the goddamn thing. The cashier asked me if I was ok. I nodded and stalked back to the teenage boy as if the book was a gun. I shoved it into him and said, “Always believe there’s a future in the present, not a past.”

Jake Kilroy spends most of is time living and working in Orange, CA. He writes poetry. You can find a lot of his poetry, along with some great stories, over at The Cobblestone Address.

the lie and how we told it: Caligraphy by Kelly Canavan Vargas

2010-03-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

Caligraphy
by Kelly Canavan Vargas

The worn, leather book strap had been tightened around Isaac's upper arm. He stretched out his left hand and flexed. Stretched and flexed. Stretched and grabbed the catalog in front of him. Carefully, he peeled off the address label. Holding it close to his face he examined the label. It was parchment thin and the sun shone through it. His name and address were hand-written in a long and elegant mix of cursive and printing. As he began to move the label away from his face, he paused when he noticed the faint scent of flowers.

"Is this her perfume?" he wondered aloud. His voice echoing in the empty loft. Slowly getting up, he paced across the wood floors; Planks creaking under his weight, pigeons rustling on the ledge.

"Is this her lotion? The scent of her skin?" He paused his incessant pacing. "Could this be her actual skin?"

"She knew this would help me grow!" he yelled, holding the catalog up with his left hand. Pigeons scattered.

The small "r" at the end of his name spoke to him. Schumacher. It curved upward slightly at the end. It was so hopeful. Isaac paced as he studied it. As he started worrying that the low dip of the "r" would never end, it gently glided up, up, up. It was a roller coaster of a letter. It was manic. He plunged the needle in his arm. The upwards motion of the letter swirled in Isaac's head. In one ear and out the other. Jostled his hair. Entered his bowels and came warmly out of his mouth like vomit. It was vomit.

Kelly Canavan Vargas also participated in the Year in Review series. Check out her blog Ravenous River Horses.

the lie and how we told it: Untitled by Roby Saavedra

2010-03-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

Untitled
by Roby Saavedra

It was the kind of sports car that could have only existed in the 80’s; not quite boxy, not quite streamlined. The interior was lined with ornamental bells and whistles, which seemed to act as placeholders for utilities that might actually be useful, but had yet to be invented. The atmosphere inside the car was tense and was especially marked by the overwhelming odor of a familiar musk aftershave. As I looked to my right, watching objects whiz past, it struck me that I was actually smelling something, which was unusual -- actually it had never happened before. I noted it mentally, trying my best to seem collected and appropriately aloof.

The driver, most likely sensing something was off, cocked his head to the right and stared at me through his aviator sunglasses, which were actually just one big lens in the shape of sunglasses. After a few moments he turned back to the road, then back at me for a longer period, then back at the road, then back at me even longer. He had on a dark grey scarf which was tucked into a brown leather jacket with its collar popped up, the collar reaching all the way to his pronounced jaw line. He continued his tennis game head movements; back and forth from the road to me to the road to me. I didn’t take the chance to look back at him, instead keeping my eyes on the blur of the outside world through the window, listening to the sound of his leather jacket make the same groan and wrinkle each time he made one of his sharp head twists.

Finally the noises stopped. The match had ended and I was the winner. His gaze fixed on me. My palms sweaty, my mind frantically trying to wash itself of any and all thought processes. The world continued to rush by and I could feel his breath on the left side of my body. He wasn’t moving, I was sure of that. I’d seen him this still before, but wasn’t sure when. Suddenly I wasn’t sure of anything.

Fuck. I lost it. I turned to my left and saw that his sunglasses were gone. His utterly still eyes were paralyzing, blue, and filled with madness. His right hand was gripping the steering wheel, his shoulder at his chin. The musk was gone, replaced by a heaviness which I attributed to his sultry breath. I snapped out of the lock from his eyes and noticed his tongue hanging out of his mouth leaving a trail of spit on his jacket sleeve which dripped down to the gear shifter. I almost laughed when he began to speak.

“Did the smell bother you?” he asked.

“No not really,” I shook my head. At that moment I noticed the scenery outside his window returned to black and white. Fuck.

He began to speak again but all that came out was the sound bite of the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer lion roar and he then proceeded to gnaw on his leather jacket sleeve. I climbed out of the sunroof of the sports car wondering why I would ever choose such a heinous vehicle in the first place and ordered a coffee from the pleasant looking waitress taking our order.

“Well?” the guy sitting directly to my right’s muffled voice asked, “How did it go?”

“Cats, man. Huge ones. And always with people bodies.”

A girl sitting opposite me began to laugh behind her mask. “Fucked up!” she exclaimed.

I took the moment to survey the scene through the two eye-holes in my facemask. There were a lot of Guy Fawks masks throughout the place, more than usual. How unoriginal. The place seemed bigger tonight, I thought, which made me begin to lose myself in the idea of ‘vaster than infinite.’

Suddenly I was jarred out of my spacey moment when the guy next to me got up and began to bid his goodbyes.

“I have a fucking calc test tomorrow, as much as I’d like to keep fucking unattainable women I really ought to get back to reality soon.” And in an instant it was as if he was never even there.

Math test? I thought to myself. They’re getting younger and younger.

“I know,” a person next to me commented, grabbing my shoulder. “If I had this when I was in high school I’d have never graduated.”

My sheets were wet with sweat again and luckily I hadn’t woken up my wife this time.

“Fucking mind readers…” I whispered to myself as I slowly peered over my wife’s shoulder to check for a cat’s head.

Roby Saavedra makes and studies art up in San Francisco. He's a lovely man. Check out his tumbling tumblr: click. Here's where you can check out some of his amazing art: clack.

the lie and how we told it: The Truth by Erin Mahoney

2010-03-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

Today starts off a new series here at two hands radio. I've asked a few friends to come down and share a little story with us. Works are completely fiction and there's pretty much only one rule: Keep your stories under 800 words. It should be pretty fun and I'm looking forward to reading all of them. We're gonna run this until I stop getting submissions. If you'd like to submit one, send a story over to me at zuhair.zama [at] gmail.com.

The Truth
by Erin Mahoney

I've never told a lie in my life. I have no interest in falsities. Half-truths never make it fully out of my mouth. I sure hope you believe me. Honest, I do!

I am not a lawyer giving my final arguments, convincing you of my client's innocence. I'm not a doctor telling you your prognosis and what I sincerely think your chances are. I am not selling anything, I don't represent anyone, and I have nothing at all to gain from this.

I know I am not alone and that despite all the fuss about white lies, and innocent deceptions, and all the other garbage people use to excuse themselves for dishonesty – despite all that, there are actually a few folks out there who have taken the same path as me, who retain a golden tongue. I wonder if they are as lonely as I am. If we ever met, I wonder if we'd get along, or if our truths would rattle together incessantly, like the box of dishes in my backseat, until they drove us apart.

I believe that always telling the truth allows me to gauge when others aren't. I am not the dough-eyed picture of naivety so-often depicted in movies and novels, who is so pure she simply cannot conceive of why someone might want to lie to and take advantage of her. I am practical, realistic, and perhaps even a bit cynical. I can read body language, detect facial tics, record idiosyncrasies. I'm a library of telling mannerisms.

I can also tell when someone thinks I'm lying - like you, for instance. You are looking at me like you have some sort of secret knowledge, privately inverting everything I say into what you can believe. I will not argue with you. What is the point?

Living like this is not exactly a choice for me, as I am not that good-hearted. In the past I have tried to cover my tracks with lies, but the mere utterance filled me with such dread I had no choice but to immediately come clean, shaming and embarrassing myself while others would have happily whistled away.

I can tell that you're wondering why I am revealing all of this to you. Frankly, I am not entirely sure. Maybe it's because you seem like the sort of person I can talk to and really open up about myself. Like I said, mine is a lonely existence. Maybe it's because I noticed how awkwardly you were standing here, alone in a room of people, stuffing crackers in your mouth to avoid meaningless conversation.

Truthfully, though, it's because you stink, and the smell was bothering me so much that I just had to be honest with you. You really stink.

This isn't Erin's first post here at two hands radio. If you're interested, check out her Year in Review post she did for our last series.

Breaking Bad

2010-03-20T17:45:00.001-07:00

With one episode left before I finish watching season 2 and season 3 beginning tomorrow night I can safely say that Breaking Bad has finally made it into the realm I like to call "My Favorite Shows." It's getting pretty dang close to being part of "My Favorite Anythings Ever," but hasn't quite reached that status yet. Yet.

The cast is phenomenal. Bryan Cranston is fantastic as the high school chem teacher turned 5-star meth chef. Aaron Paul is great as his junkie partner. I am constantly feeling my heartstrings pull every time he smokes a glass ball of meth (is that what it's called?), I just want that asshole to get clean! That sounded...not right. Anyhow. Dean Norris magically has a bigger head than Michael Chiklis, yet is way the eff more loveable (even though his presence as Bryan Cranston's DEA Agent brother-in-law is a definite source of my nervousness, not to mention my rising blood pressure). And of course, Bob Odenkirk's addition to the cast in season 2, as the sketchy, sleaze-ball, attorney is effing grand!

Anyhow. If you're already watching this show, please humbly accept the following "bravo." Bravo! In fact, why don't you take this "huzzah!" as well. Huzzah! If you're not, now's a good time to catch up. You've got a little over 24 hours to watch the 20 episodes that have already aired. Plenty of time.

Season Three of Breaking Bad airs tomorrow night on AMC at 10pm. Or you can find it anytime in the next forever by logging onto your favorite torrent site about an hour or so after the east coast feed.

Just a quick reminder

2010-03-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

Sir Catinsuit pleasantly reminds you to stop creating internet memes and start writing really, really short stories

Hey ya, Hey ya, Hey ya, Hey.

Just reminding you that "the lie and how we told it" is starting up next week. Send in your stories! I have a few so far, but not as many as I'd like. We're starting up Monday and we'll be posting up a new story each day till we run out of 'em. Why do I keep calling me "we"? We should stop doing that.

Anyhow, check this post out for all the info and also the....send it in place thing...EMAIL ADDRESS! That you're supposed to send the stories to! We're probably not going to write a story.

the lie and how we told it

2010-03-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

In about three weeks we'll be starting up a new series. Last time we did year in review posts from a variety of different people (read: my friends who weren't too lazy to write something). In that series we learned about how people felt in 2009, what they learned, who was important to them, and all that other boring-ass bullshit. This time around though, we're going to change course.

This time I want to post some short (very short) fiction. Again, I'll serve as editor and possibly post one of my own. Not sure yet. Anyhow. I'd like to start in a few weeks here so if you'd like to participate go ahead and send me a story to zuhair.zama[at]gmail.com with the subject heading "the lie and how we told it." If I did my job correctly, all you have to do is click on the email link and it should do all that for you.

There aren't really too many parameters to this series aside from these:

•Works need to be, well, fictitious. That would help.
•Please try and keep them short. Ideally they'd be around 1-800 words. That's like a 1 page Maximus (from Ridley Scott's shit-storm of bullshit Gladiator) in Word.
•That's it.

Send them starting now up until I say the series is ending. You've got at least 4 weeks to participate!

First work related "injury."

2010-03-01T13:11:00.001-08:00

On Days that I am Working

2010-02-23T11:00:00.000-08:00

This morning while walking around the giant store I work in I realized something.

I wake up when you are going to bed or are falling asleep.
I take my first break you are just waking up.
I take my lunch break when you are clocking in.
I clock out and head home when you're on your lunch break.
I go to bed when you other nine-to-fivers are just getting home.

Yesterday at work a co-worker asked me if I voted for Obama and then, before I could answer, posed the follow-up "Wait, is it legal for you to vote here?" Not really thinking about what she meant by that I responded with, "Duh, I'm 26!" while pointing at my bearded face (and body). She was kind of caught off guard by my response and it took me a moment to realize she had been assuming that I was either a) an illegal alien, or b) an intergalactic alien. Either way though, she definitely didn't think I was an American citizen. Oh wells that ends wells.

Dear Ocean

2010-02-21T18:21:00.001-08:00

“…the Japanese Spider Crab has a body the size of a basketball and its legs can straddle a car. They will eventually measure a massive 15ft… The crab, called Macrocheira kaempferi in Latin, was caught by fishermen in the Pacific Ocean and has now been imported to Britain where it has gone on display at the National Sea Life Centre in Birmingham."(source)

Dear Ocean,

Fuck off. Seriously. Are you kidding me with this? Honestly, I've had enough of your bullshit. Let's find a way to get back to being all cute and Finding Nemoish again, because seriously, all of these new gigantic monsters you're creating are really starting to get on my nerves. I do not like being terrified constantly. Because of you, I'm considering a move further inland.

Please die already.

Love and tenderness,
Zuhair.

Oh Eric! Ya done did it again!

2010-02-18T14:54:00.000-08:00

Here's Eric Wareheim's newish (I guess it's about 4 months old...whoops) video for the song "Keep it Going Louder" by them effing weirdos in Major Lazer. The video isn't really NSFW, unless you don't mind your coworkers thinking you're a deviant of some sort (sexual).

Here's another video he did for them a while back. This one is, well, yes, most definitely NSFW and is possibly NSFA (A = anywhere).

Major Lazer "Pon De Floor" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

Community

2010-02-17T08:47:00.000-08:00

Community has become one of my favorite new sitcoms. It took me a while to admit this. It's fairly standardly paced and at times it seems to be yearning for a laugh track. The more I watched it though, the more I enjoyed it. I guess I owe that to having seen Donald Glover (who plays Troy, the football jock) perform a couple of times at the UCB Theatre. He was so dang funny, I had to start paying closer attention to the show. And, boyohboy, amigladidid.

It's not always great, but when it's good, it's damn good. The show is a ridiculous comedy, not trying very hard to be anything other than funny. It's got a good dose of meta in it, and it's self-referencing is gosh darn hi-larious. Once critics started pointing out pure character stereotypes on the show, they embraced the eff out of them. Somewhere around midseason, this show started getting really good.

In a perfect world, Chevy Chase would have never been added to the cast, but oh wells. My favorite character is easily Señor Chang, played by Ken Jeong. This isn't a character you've never seen before. Many shows have featured the angrier-than-is-necessary-teacher character. But Ken's play on this old archetype is fantastic. Also, he very much reminds me of what I think my friend James would be like as a teacher of any sort. Is that racist? It's probably racist. Alright, time to stop using words like "archetype" and to start watching some dang clips!

Community is on Hulu. I think. Watch it if you'd like. Other than that, it's on NBC, Thursday nights, either right before or after 30 Rock.

This is how big of a nerd I am.

2010-02-08T16:00:00.000-08:00

Google - How to Impress a French Woman

This video made me smile way more than it needed to. I guess there's still a little Nerd City left in me after all...

Boring, dumb, and fine, it's been a long time my friend

2010-02-02T16:54:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the recommendation, YouTube! Sometimes I can't help but feel like you're the only website that, you know, really gets me.

Actually, you were pretty spot on with most of the rest of them recommendations. I suppose everyone is allowed to be wrong every once in a while, even the robots at The You Tube.

p.s. this is the only reason I have Photoshop.

I said, "Hey you, get out of my fog."

2010-01-29T21:02:00.001-08:00

This is what it feels like to be at work. I'm the kid on the left.

Check out the beard on that Hamm!

2010-01-24T07:46:00.000-08:00

I didn't watch the SAG Awards last night, nor did I even know they were on. I haven't checked the winners, but judging by this photo Mad Mans won at least one award. The main reason I posted this though is because my man-crush on Don Draper (John Hamm) just went through the roof! I'm loving this Bearded Hamm.

Year in Review....In Review

2010-01-22T10:27:00.000-08:00

This is me.
Dear Friends & Enemies alike,

Now that the Year in Review series is done I may as well go ahead talk a little bit about it. First off, I'm really glad that I was able to gather up this many of my friends and have them open up and write about what 2009 was like for them. For me, 2009 really was the first year that I can remember where I had major life changes, or at least attitude changes, both at the beginning and at the end of the year. Something that I started at the beginning of the year came to an end at the close of the year. I've never had a calender year really stand out in such a way as much as this one did. It's actually kind of unsettling when you think about it. All a year really is, is a predetermined measure of time. Maybe it's just happenstance then that 2009 read like a poorly written, somewhat uninteresting novel (but a novel nonetheless!).

When I actually sat myself down and wrote out my Year in Review post I was forced to actually think about everything that happened this year. Both the good and the bad (and I was actually lucky enough to have a lot of "good" this past year). And I found that writing it down and sharing it with you (as vaguely as it was written) helped me accept a lot of the things that happened. Or at least it helped me to reevaluate them. Maybe I could have done things differently, maybe I couldn't have. Maybe I wasn't as big of an asshole as I remembered, or maybe I was. It doesn't matter anymore, I can't do anything to change any of it. All I know is that it felt like God finally took his heavy-ass foot off my chest and I could breathe a little easier.

For everyone who also wrote a post in this somewhat depressing yet appropriately optimistic series, I hope you were able to have a similar experience. And even if you didn't write one, I'm glad that you read them (or listened to them), and I hope that even if you didn't know the people writing, you felt what they felt. Or at least what they wanted you to feel.

Now the series is done and we've got to move on to new things. I'd had this blog for quite a while before this Year in Review series and I'm not actually used to having people read it. So where do we go now? I hope I can keep you entertained somehow this year. It's going to be kind of hard for me in another sense because I really allowed this series to define and shape my January (I threw a party as an excuse to get Ben over to my house so I can interview him!). It's also really reminded me of my love for editing.

So with that said, here are some new projects that I'm working on.

• Joe Zavella and I are working on a new writing project. Well, mostly it's just me editing stories written by Joe. We're working on one now but it'll be a long time before you see any of that.
• Kelly Vargas, Joe Zavella, and I are working on a separate writing project. I don't want to get too into detail about it, but each of them will be writing a separate story and I'm going to weave the two of them together. Have you figured out yet that I really prefer editing over writing? Anyhow, I'm sure some of that will make it's way on to the blog.
• What I'm most excited about though is that I'm working on new music again. It's the first time in around 4 years that I've actually picked up an instrument and played something new on it. It feels good. My friend Tara and I are working on some stuff and maybe you'll hear some of it soon. Our one worry is that we're going to get compared to She & Him, as I'm playing the ukulele and she's got herself an acoustic guitar. Also, neither one of really wants to sing. That won't really draw comparisons to She & Him, though, it's just another concern.
• Also, I start a new job on Saturday. Not really a project, more like stocking shelves at a place I will not name. I feel like if I leave the name out of it, I'll be able to write about the ridiculous things that I'm sure will happen there.

Well, that's it for now. I'll keep posting every now and again. And don't worry, I won't mind if you stop reading. As long as you come back for the next series we do, whatever/whenever that will be.

Thanks again,
Zuhair "The" Abdulla

p.s. if you have no idea what I'm talking about or just want to read them again, here's where all them Year in Review posts be at.

Feel like listening to Ben Vargas talk about 2009?

2010-01-21T15:59:00.001-08:00

Here's your final special guest "writer," Ben Vargas, seen celebrating one of his favorite holidays – his birthday, 2009-style.
Well, you might be wondering why "writer" was written in quotes up there. If you're not wondering that, then you've already figured it out. As you can see here, Ben didn't actually write anything. Instead he came over to my house one Friday night, here in January, and we sat down and had ourselves a little talk about 2009. We might have broached a couple of other topics here and there, but it was mostly about last year (with a little bit devoted to this year).

Anyhow, we recorded that little chat and I have it here for you to listen to. Well, we figured this would be a good way to end this "Year in Review, 2009" series we've been doing here. So if you'd like to give it a listen, you can stream it here (22 minutes):

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io

Or, you can go over here and download it, or stream it:
Clickity Click Click

While listening to this, you'll hear some sounds in the background. We actually recorded this while there was a small party in full swing on the other side of the wall from the room we were in. Another note, we recorded this about 3 or 4 hours into said party. Take what you will from that. Anyhow, check it out. Hope you enjoy it.

Ben Vargas is an Internet Production something or other at a company that sells things. Sometimes they sell things online, sometimes they sell things in stores. Like a lot of my friends he enjoys bikes, brews, and dancing with tall boys.

He and his wife, Kelly Vargas, have very recently started a blog together: Ravenous River Horses. Do check it out, yo.

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection, here are the links.
• Angela Kim asks her father, "How old is too old for you?"
• Tawny Lynn Rose v2.0
• Kelly Mahoney learned some lessons in 2009, wants pizza in 2010
• Candice Brown gains a new family in 2009
• The Sloh Abides
• Erin has the ingredients for happiness in 2010
• Kelly Vargas wants you to know that you've kept her in a welcome prison
• Joe Zavella's the man who loves you
• Viet Nguyen used to be too young to live
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• James Park drops some truth bombs about 2009
• I talk about lessons learned, '09 style

Or click here to view all the posts on one page.

Beach House

2010-01-20T18:38:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to a lot of Beach House's new record, Teen Dream. My buddy David sent it over to me and it's well good, yo. I've never heard their first two records, but I'm definitely gonna go backwards in time and get them.

Anyhow, here are a couple of the tracks.

Here's how the album opens

And here's how it closes

Fill in the blanks. You'll be happy you did.

Teen Dream comes out on 1.26.10.

Angela asks her father, "How old is too old for you?"

2010-01-20T15:59:00.000-08:00

Special guest writer, Angela Kim, can be seen here holding a tiger kitten in Thailand. What a bitch, right?
"I’ve been living in Los Angeles for over a year now and I’ve only recently become aware of the importance of age or lack thereof. I’m uncertain of whether it’s because I live in a youth-centric city or because I have reached that age where I would feel old, regardless of my location. Apparently by Hollywood standards 25 is the cutoff age for women. From there your only qualifications are your work merits, which actually means how great of a bitch you are. I’m 24 now, which means by Sept. 29th [NEVER FORGET] my existence will be validated on how much or how little of a bitch I am.

I can even “feel” myself getting older. Not just physically, but mentally as well [boo!]. It’s not as funny to me anymore when I hear that my mom has been feverishly attending morning prayers because I convinced her that I’m dating a black man [“But he understands me, MOM!”]. Or having my dad disapprovingly shake his head when I tell him that I’d like to be a fireman.

You know what else sucks about getting older? I realized that the “I have sex with my dad” jokes increasingly lose their shock value/believability factor as I get older. If one were to say “I love it when my dad pees in my mouth,” at the age of 18, it’s funny because the plausibility of the situation is quite disconcerting. At 26 though, no one will believe that you have sex with your dad because at 26, you’re too old. Even for your own dad.

I guess this past year I learned how old and undesirable I’m going to be next year. That said, I’m still undecided on whether I’m going to spend 24 eagerly anticipating “adulthood” or being depressed about the demise of my youth.

Meh."

Angela Kim is an angsty little Korean who works at a fantastic little Korean BBQ shop up in Hollywood, CA. She enjoys taking pictures of things, wearing clothes, and things that am funnies. If you add an M to the beginning of her name, you could call her Mangela.

Mangela Kim keeps a very funny blog, FATTYLINEBACKER, as well as a halfway-decent twitter. Follow her @angerrrah.

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection, here are the links.
• Tawny Lynn Rose v2.0
• Kelly Mahoney learned some lessons in 2009, wants pizza in 2010
• Candice Brown gains a new family in 2009
• The Sloh Abides
• Erin has the ingredients for happiness in 2010
• Kelly Vargas wants you to know that you've kept her in a welcome prison
• Joe Zavella's the man who loves you
• Viet Nguyen used to be too young to live
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• James Park drops some truth bombs about 2009
• I talk about lessons learned, '09 style

Or click here to view all the posts on one page.

Are you ready for Awesome Tawny v2.0?

2010-01-19T12:12:00.000-08:00

Here's your special guest writer, Tawny Lynn Rose, doing some serious pondering, ponderances, ponderooings, and pinderpinings. Let us all enjoy the glory of her mustache together.
"Last year was the beginning of something huge, not in the "that's what she said" sense of huge, but more like a heavy amount of propulsion into a brighter and more sophisticated future.

Midway through 2009, I got a new job. Working for Roadtrip Nation has been one of the biggest changes for the better that I’ve seen in my life so far. Doing graphic design as a career is finally looking to be a radical thing and it’s all thanks to this awesome position at Roadtrip. I'm learning all the time, pushing myself, and working with friends in an amazing atmosphere. I don't think there could be a better fit for my life right now.

In January I had a big addition to my life: My dog! He was just a pup then and pretty much still is, but now he’s more like a medium-sized puppy with jaws of steel that chew through every possible thing. Every day I get a surprise when I come home – a new pile of chewed up particles of something... hopefully nothing too important. I think so far he's devoured 6 pairs of shoes, 2 pairs of panties, a few socks, my paper pinhole camera, every single toy he's ever had, the carpet at the first place I lived with him, the wall at the second place (among other valuable items belonging to my roommate: wallet, ID, pot holders, his cat's eating bowls/water dispenser).... the list continues! This year I think I’m going to do a photo project and photograph the “before and afters” of his ravenous path to capture the beauty and joy of this experience.

But hey, nothing makes you grow up like realizing the things your dog chews up are the least of your worries. I guess that was the underlying theme of my life during the rollercoaster moments of 2009. There were many days that I can remember crying like a bitch, feeling like I needed to seriously adjust my life. And I did just that: Some friendships ended and new ones began. I got out of a failing job. I ended up moving 3 times to keep up with the changing jobs and salary cuts, big kid stuff. I was finally able to cut out a lot of the negativity that was keeping me down! Big news.

I guess that's how I was able to get focused on my shit. I got to do a lot of fun projects last year with Lip Magazine and collaborate with friends from school. I was able to travel to San Francisco for the Treasure Island Festival in the summer and visit Travis in Portland for New Year’s Eve. Those were two amazing trips that truly changed me for the better.

I also started playing drums and ukulele. I'm not sure why I started playing two instruments at the same time, but I definitely have a love affair with beats and strings. Dedicating a lot of time to learning these two instruments has opened my brain to a whole new adrenaline! It's so fantastic looking back at the year and seeing how comfortable I am playing now. It was tough times at the beginning of Oh Nine: No rhythm, no muscle memory, no calluses, and no synchronized body parts. The best feeling was when it finally clicked and I got a basic flow started. And I'm still learning all the time. I'm even starting to play with my friends more too. It's really exciting and it exercises a blooming part of my brain. I feel like a new person! There are so many things driving my creative energy, pushing me to explore different things constantly. It's so freaking fun!

This year started with that wondrous momentum. I hope to keep myself productive and busy this year, and to leave the negativity and time-wasting activities behind. The time is now, the place is here. I feel like it's happening right now, all around me, and if I don't jump in now I'm going to miss it and it will pass me by. I feel like I’m on the verge of something huge and I’m about to explode into Awesome Tawny v2.0. Things are truly looking up and I wake up so ridiculously refreshed every day with a renewed positive giddy attitude towards life and all of it's challenges and adventures!

Bring it on 2010. It's a new year, and a new decade. Let's do this!"

Tawny Lynn Rose is another one of them twenty-somethings graphic designers living in Costa Mesa, CA. She enjoys bike rides, ukuleles, and dancing about while slightly intoxicated on sangria. Her favorite food is mescalin.

Check out her blog, Inside Out, and also follow her on twitter @litltawny.

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection, here are the links.
• Kelly Mahoney learned some lessons in 2009, wants pizza in 2010
• Candice Brown gains a new family in 2009
• The Sloh Abides
• Erin has the ingredients for happiness in 2010
• Kelly Vargas wants you to know that you've kept her in a welcome prison
• Joe Zavella's the man who loves you
• Viet Nguyen used to be too young to live
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• James Park drops some truth bombs about 2009
• I talk about lessons learned, '09 style

A Few First Impressions

2010-01-18T21:58:00.000-08:00

People don't often ask me this and I often wonder why not. Or, well, it's not so much that I wonder why they don't ask me this question, but why no one asks anyone else this question. At least not as often as I'd think they would. But anyhow. I guess the question would be this, "What's the first song you heard by [insert band name here]?"

I like going back and thinking about that from time to time. Especially with bands that I've been listening to for years. Anyhow, here's some of my "first impressions" of bands that I love now.

Pinback - "Hurley"

The Kinks - "Picturebook" (well, actually the first Kinks song I heard was "Lola" but I didn't know it was them. When I heard "Picturebook," it was the first time I actually wanted to find out who they were.)

Broken Social Scene - "Stars and Sons"

Wilco - "I'm the Man That Loves You" (I feel like Jeff Tweedy, in this video, may have been the inspiration for Jack Black's character in School of Rock)

Beulah - "If We Can Land a Man on the Moon, Surely I Can Win Your Heart"

The Beach Boys - "Kokomo" (sung by the Muppets of course)

The Misfits - "Halloween"

Built to Spill - "Lie for a Lie" (no YouTube clip, but here's the audio)

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io

The Mountain Goats - "Going to Georgia"

Kelly learned some lessons in 2009, wants pizza in 2010

2010-01-18T11:55:00.000-08:00

Today's special guest writer, Kelly Mahoney, really enjoys depressed puppies. But then again, who doesn't? They're effing cute when they're sad.
"2009 was the year I turned nineteen, the age I will remain until late April. I spent the entire year keeping to myself, keeping secrets, and making more secrets to be kept. The theme for the year was “loneliness,” because, despite the fact that I was lucky enough to have numerous friends and family willing to go to great lengths to try and connect with me, I was usually far too shy or embarrassed to allow it. This separateness, along with a great deal of anxiety caused by living in a new city and going to a new school, is what made me decide to try and be more independent.

Although I did not accomplish some of the bigger goals that were on my list, like getting a job or a driver’s license, I did become less needy and more self-sufficient. I learned how to take the bus. I learned to go places on my own and have somewhat of a life, even if I didn’t have any friends to share it with. I learned that the color orange isn’t so bad and often looks good on Indian people. And probably most importantly, even though my learner’s permit is now expired, I drove a car. I drove, and because of this I learned that I shouldn’t be afraid to crash and die because no matter what, there will be someone next to me in that passenger seat who is obviously willing to crash and die with me. Obviously.

But that’s a really silly way of putting it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel so far away from everyone that I had to find ways to get used to being lonely. I have friends who moved to San Francisco and I am lucky to see them twice a year, if that. I have friends who are busy with new relationships just as I watched my own come to a painful and abrupt close. I have friends who struggle to support themselves by working ridiculous hours every day, and are too miserable and exhausted in their free time to want to see me. The way things have turned out is very strange and rather uncomfortable for me at times. It seems that the people I spend the most time with are my sister’s friends, you guys. If you’re reading this, chances are I see you more often than I see even my best friends. I always have fun with you, and sometimes (usually the drunker times) I even feel like I might belong. But those moments of warmth and contentment quickly fade as I sober up and hear these words ringing in my ears, “Nineteen? That makes me feel so old.”

2009 was full of inside jokes that I didn’t get.

But enough sad-bastard Kelly. Let’s talk about some more things I learned last year. Because I spent 2009 alone, I guess the most important things about the year were the things I learned to do when I’m alone. No, not those things you pervert. I mean the other things I’ve learned, like how to argue the hell out of an issue and make my point clearly, or how to analyze the form of a film. I learned that I have some things in common with Andy Warhol that I kind of wish I didn’t, but it’s still pretty cool that I do. I learned that Scottish Fold kittens are way too expensive and I will probably never own one. I learned how to watch Hey Arnold! online for free. I learned that I want to major in philosophy and apply to law school when I graduate. I learned to never trust my wiener dog alone with an entire pizza. Well, technically I learned that this year. I wish I learned it in 2009, then maybe I would have some damn ass pizza in my fridge.

To sum everything up in this boring, poorly written essay thing, I learned a lot in 2009. Although I’d like to think that I’m stubborn and steadfast in my ways, it is apparent that the year has changed me noticeably. But whether it’s for better or for worse, I‘m not sure. What I am sure of, is that I’m willing to change a whole lot more this year, and I’m ready and dying for an adventure."

Kelly Mahoney is a currently a student at my alma mater, UC Riverside. She really, really, really loves pugs. Almost as much as I like fat cats.

Kelly tweets @naomifullbloom, but as of yet I'm her only follower. Let's do something to change that, shall we? Together, we can make a difference.

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection, here are the links.
• Candice Brown gains a new family in 2009
• The Sloh Abides
• Erin has the ingredients for happiness in 2010
• Kelly Vargas wants you to know that you've kept her in a welcome prison
• Joe Zavella's the man who loves you
• Viet Nguyen used to be too young to live
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• James Park drops some truth bombs about 2009
• I talk about lessons learned, '09 style

A brief hello

2010-01-16T13:07:00.001-08:00

Here's a picture that I definitely took of people I definitely know.
Just dropping in real quick to say that there are more posts coming soon to this series we've been working on. Just felt like taking the weekend off. But I have at least 4 more coming, starting on Monday. We may, or may not, end the series off with a podcast-type thing. Still working out the kinks, ironing out the creases, and possibly barking at the wrong house.

Anyhow dear listeners, stay tuned! Because there is more coming!

Big changes and a new family were born for Candice in 2009

2010-01-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

Candice Brown, your special guest writer, and I both share a favorite place: Memphis at the Santora. One of these days we'll find a place to love that isn't a bar.
"For me, 2009 was like a very drunk version of Cinderella. Just who knew that my Prince Charming would be a neighborhood rather than a hunky gentleman?

The best thing that happened to me this past year was having the courage to talk to someone I recognized from a reality show. [Yes it's weird, I know this, but weird can be the best thing ever sometimes!] This small act somehow changed the whole course of my life for the better. Christopher Hall invited me to grab a drink with him at Memphis after I met him at my first Yelp Elite event. It was maybe the third time I'd ever been to Downtown Santa Ana, and as much as I liked it, I really didn't think Memphis was the right bar for me. I was wrong, very, very wrong. I spent the night drinking beer, bumming cigarettes off Chris and talking to him about reality TV, hair salons, pastries and Yelp. By the end of the night he told me he had to leave before 1am because things get weird after 1am [I know this now to be a true fact and should really start leaving the bar before 1am more often].

All I know is that by the time I got home to Garden Grove that night, I was hooked. I started going downtown whenever Johnny was bartending, and I actually went about 6 months without missing a night that he worked. I would drag friends with me every week until finally one night I couldn't talk anyone into coming with me. I'd never been to a bar on my own, but it was just one drink, and I knew Johnny was working. "I can do this!" I told myself over and over again on the drive down to Santa Ana. And really, I'm so glad I did. Another little act of courage, and that night I ended up meeting more people by being alone than all the times I had friends with me. This is where my Santa Ana family started.

The rest of the year was full of some minor and some major courageous events. Having the courage to start up my pastry business when I had trouble finding a job in the restaurant industry, which has led to me catering a gallery opening, a CD release party, and many, many birthdays. I had the courage to give up living by myself so I could live in DTSA. I also had the courage to give my heart to someone when I had been holding it back from people for so long.

And yes, the heartbreak was my lowest point of the year. I spent many a night drowning my sorrows at Memphis and spilling my heart out to Johnny at 4am on the street. But I realized from this how many amazing people I have in my life that care so much about me. They'll let me be a complete mess when I need to be, and will still call me the next day. They'll make me laugh, hold me when I cry, and will even buy me a shot of Jäger or make me some mac ‘n cheese at 4am if they think it will make me feel better.

Now that my heart is starting to heal, this new year is looking a lot brighter. I now know that I have the courage and power to do anything that I want. And that I have a family of friends behind me that will support me no matter what trouble I get myself in to. I want to say that I'll be more cautious when it comes to my heart this year, but I am a young female and a totally hopeless romantic, so that's a difficult task for me. It's probably best to be a bit more realistic about things...

What I really want out of 2010 is just to laugh more, and to have more sober nights than drunken ones. To bake more delicious things and really push myself to the limit when it comes to experimenting and coming up with new recipes. I would like to stop smoking since it's expensive, and saving money is definitely up there on things I'd like to do this year. I want to travel more on my own and have weekends out of Santa Ana more often. I want to get more sleep and have a little less drama. This year I'll turn 25 and I want to make the most of this quarter life I'm living. [And I want to slow down a bit so I'll make it another 25 years.]

So bring it on 2010, because I definitely have a good feeling about you!"

Candice Brown is a big fan of Star Wars, vinyl records, and baking. She's like me in the sense that we both wear pretty much the same outfit everyday. It's all about simplicity folks!

Interested in getting some of her baked goodies? Check out Lush Pastries. Perhaps you just want to read more of her writings? Click here. Or maybe you just want to take her in, one-sentence at a time? Follow her @moufflet.

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection, here are the links.
• The Sloh Abides
• Erin has the ingredients for happiness in 2010
• Kelly Vargas wants you to know that you've kept her in a welcome prison
• Joe Zavella's the man who loves you
• Viet Nguyen used to be too young to live
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• James Park drops some truth bombs about 2009
• I talk about lessons learned, '09 style

The Sloh Abides

2010-01-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

Special guest writer Sloh (Stephen Loh) has terrible aim.
"It's 11:08 am Sunday morning, 10 days deep into the new year/decade and I'm eating a fried egg sandwich and drinking fresh squeezed orange juice in my room. My most prevalent thought at the moment is how my body will react to the mayonnaise in my sandwich that expired back in August. I even read the expiration date before I applied it to my toast: AUG0509. Still, what's a fried egg sandwich without a nice slathering of mayo, am I right?

Good riddance, I say. Good riddance to the year that brought us the second installment of the Twilight series. Good riddance to the year that gave us "I'mma let you finish..." Good riddance to the King of Pop, a boy who lived a life so grand we'd be lucky to see the things he saw in a dozen lifetimes.

There were plenty more terrible things that happened during 2009. The Clippers performance under coach/GM/overall tyrant MIke Dunleavy may have caused me the most grief all year. President Obama's first year in office has been disappointing at best. Comic Con was such a cluster fuck last year it was almost unbearable.

Sorry that I'm being such a Negative Nancy but it's usually my first reaction to think of how Murphy's Law will apply to any given situation. The past year wasn't actually that bad. I guess I can start in April. Yes, April. Forget January, Black History Month and March. April was when I turned 25. A milestone. Mid-twenties. Being Chinese usually means that by 25 I should be gainfully employed saving up for the family I'm expect to start soon after I wed my long time girlfriend who can cook up a mean pork hock. Instead I spent April drinking beers in bars, drinking beers in hot tubs and drinking beers in various living rooms. Not too shabby.

May was epic. Drinking beer in hot tubs in April lead directly to eating magical fungus in Joshua Tree a month later. When the moon dipped below the desert horizon that night a great gash opened up in the California sky and the stars of the Milky Way danced for me until the Sun pushed them away. It was so beautiful, so serene that 10 days later I found myself in the Avenue of Giants sleeping amongst some of the tallest Old Growth Redwood Trees that California had to offer. Again, I was under the spell of magical fungus. From there the adventure continued to Napa where I found myself under the influence of magical grapes. The product of those magical grapes made me hoot and holler and share laughs with cougars of the most sophisticated variety. On the way down from Norcal we stopped at Harris Ranch. I ate Rocky Mountain oysters. When I asked the waitress how many came in an order she said, "The Rocky Mountain oysters? They come in pairs." She was a lovely young lady. At the end of the month my sister graduated from college and I was very proud of her. Indeed, May was a good month.

The summer months were spent poolside during the day (I don't tan well apparently), and drinking at night. Occasionally a photo assignment would come in. My most memorable Vegas trip happened this past summer as gambling was kept to the minimum, food was kept to a maximum, and I was able to catch a 51's game and visit the Pinball Hall of Fame. Seriously, if you love pinball you need to go to the Pinball Hall of Fame the next time you're in Vegas. Seriously.

In August I was able to help a family friend out with a business venture in Shenzhen, China. The city borders Hong Kong and the two cities couldn't be more different. Shenzhen is the counterfeit capitol of China, which leads me to believe that that makes it the counterfeit capitol of the world. Everyone's wearing Louis Vuitton jeans paired with Chanel shoes. Counterfeit high fashion is casual wear in Shenzhen which is stark contrast to Hong Kong. Hong Kong is like any other major capitalist city in the world. Shopping, eating, more shopping, more eating. The women there wore make up. The men there wore tailored suits. Cars outnumber motorbikes and scooters. When I did see a motorbike or scooter in Hong Kong there was usually only one person on it. If it wasn't for the food in Hong Kong, I'd be tempted to write that it was boring.

The money I made from my time in China was blown in two short weeks on a trip to the Northeast. Not even a week had passed after arriving home when I found myself on a plane headed to Dulles International Airport visiting my friend Nic, whom I've known since we were 7-years-old. He was enrolled in the UCDC program and had a roommate who was convinced that at some point he'd be president. This roommate spent the first hour and a half of his days grooming himself and putting on fresh pressed suits. Every day. He was 21 at the time. Good luck, kid. Nic and I ate at 5 Guys, Chef Spike's Good Stuff Eatery, Pot Belly and drank at a bar that had over 600 bottled beers to choose from. From there it was the Chinatown bus to Philadelphia. I was visiting a friend going to law school in Camden, New Jersey. Go ahead, Google "Camden, NJ". A primary goal was to attend a Ring of Honor pro wrestling event at The ECW Arena in Philly but, alas, the timing didn't work out. One day. 2009 was not the year for me to witness a ROH event live.

Another $15 Chinatown bus trip and I was in New York City. There I stayed with one of my favorite people, Debbie, who lives in Greenpoint, a Polish heavy neighborhood in Brooklyn. During the day I met up with old friends who were carving out a living in The Big Apple. At night I was drinking at the bar Debbie was tending or going to another bar where she knew the bartenders. The drinks were free and plentiful and as a guy who has grown accustomed to wrapping up a night of drinking around 1am, the 3:45am last calls made me wonder how guys like Lemmy Kilmister have been able to do this night in, night out for the last 40 years.

October ended up being busier than anticipated. Basically after my trip to the east coast I came home and was broke, unemployed and bored. So I was willing to take any assignments or trips thrown my way. First, the fine folks at IceCreamMan.com asked me to go with them to the Treasure Island Music Festival where night two was headlined by The Flaming Lips. While there I got an e-mail saying that they also needed a photographer for Cypress Hill's Smoke Out in San Berdoo the next weekend. So after being immersed in confetti, balloons and lights and staring at dancing yetis it was off to hang around a bunch of stoners in BroTown, USA. It wasn't bad at all. I got to see the reformation of Sublime. Saw Cheech and Chong do their thing. Saw Method Man and Redman live and uncut. Secretly the biggest reason I took the assignment was because I knew Slipknot would be there. Not that I'm a fan, but I knew a band like that would make for amazing photos and they didn't disappoint. Probably the raddest photos I took all year were of Slipknot. So what's there to do after a weekend at Smoke Out? Going to Phish Fest for Halloween of course. Coachella needs to take a lesson from the people who organized Phish Fest. It was the nicest, cleanest festival I've ever been to. Free showers and sinks. They cleaned the port-a-potties four times a day. Really, the worst thing about Phish Fest was the fact that the only band that played was Phish. I don't get their appeal but they know how to throw a party for 40,000 people who'd really rather be listening to The Dead.

The waning months of the year were filled with quality friend time. There's probably a handful of proverbs and regional saying about how you can be broke but if you got friends then you'll be rich and happy. Well... all those sayings that poor people tack onto the end of their e-mails are true. 2009 was the year I smiled bigger smiles, gave longer hugs, laughed a bit more, said what I meant and meant what I said. How will 2010 turn out? I don't know. We'll see how well the Clippers do after 82 games. FIRE DUN-LEA-VY (clap clap clapclapclap)!!!"

Stephen Loh is a photographer for a few different people, websites I think. Possibly other things that print photos from time to time. He enjoys Minor League Baseball, the Clippers, Kurt Vonnegut, and Futurama. He also enjoys dumb stuff like Wrestling and UFC.

You can follow his twitter @thesloh. If you'd like to see some of his work, check out IceCreamMan.com

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection, here are the links.
• Erin has the ingredients for happiness in 2010
• Kelly Vargas wants you to know that you've kept her in a welcome prison
• Joe Zavella's the man who loves you
• Viet Nguyen used to be too young to live
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• James Park drops some truth bombs about 2009
• I talk about lessons learned, '09 style

Erin has the ingredients for happiness in 2010

2010-01-12T12:12:00.001-08:00

Erin Mahoney, your special writer for the day, can be seen in the above photo petting a very unattractive horse.
"2009 began with a belated honeymoon and ended with separate beds in separate rooms in separate cities. When I put it like that it sounds pretty depressing, and in a lot of ways it is. But it's also a step away from a tired routine that, if we let it, would kill us – a game of responsibility-roulette that has alternately temporarily favored one person, but overall has taken all of our chips.

I know that there is more to me than my relationship, but I am constantly thinking about my wife, and how we worked so hard to be together and now we are apart. I have been so angry with myself for letting this happen – for getting fired, for not finding a job right away, for not saving when I was bringing home paychecks, for letting pain get the best of me, for not knowing who I should be or how to be that person – and 2010 is about putting aside that anger and moving forward, living every day for something more than what will eventually come from a string of days. 2010 is about recognizing just how much time I spent hiding in 2009, and addressing the issues that had me scurrying for cover.

I spent the second half of 2009 living in and refurbishing the bedroom that my parents once occupied, sifting through the rubble of lives snubbed out by smoke and dimness. While I've tried to transform this house, I've found the process alarmingly reciprocal, and I've felt myself cracking along with the wallpaper and losing my luster much like the old paint. I've gotten stuck in the dust and spiderwebs, lost my footing on the cracked linoleum and stained carpet, sunk days into cleaning out closets just to refill them. I am learning, though, and finding my way through the maze of memories and dust mites, moving toward a not-completely determined goal that will hopefully, eventually, provide some closure.

On a lighter note, the highlight of 2009 was my re-entry into UCR to finish my bachelor's degree in English, which I'll receive in June. I can't express how much this means to me (which is ironic given my major) and how much I appreciate all of the encouragement everyone has offered. I can't help but think of the following scene from Tommy Boy:

Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard Hayden: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too, all right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden: I know, they're called doctors.

Through all of this, as in past years, I have been supported by friends and family on an assortment of levels. When I was having a rough go of it in Portland, you bought me whiskey to put in my mouth and into my lungs, and you ordered a delicious salad and let me share it with you. When I needed to see something in 3-D, we went and watched Avatar, or Coraline, or Up. When I needed help cleaning and decorating the den, you came with your expertise in cuteness, and sheer, furniture-moving brute strength. When I was sad about you moving northward, you came southward. When I doubted, you reinforced. Let's just say, if I were in a beauty pageant, and I had to give a speech about my hero, and my hero couldn't be a fictional character that lived with her three best friends in Miami, my speech would go on forever recounting how much all of my heroes have improved the world in which I happen to live.

I guess my point is this: While I had amazing experiences, countless laughs, and friendships that have taken root further than I imagined possible, overall, 2009 broke my heart. I know I'm not alone in this, and I've been amazed with the strength of some of my friends in the face of devastating factors. I haven't handled things quite as well, and I am working hard to make 2010 different. I have all the makings of happiness around me, in the people I'm lucky enough to know, and those unlucky enough to be related to me. I don't generally make new year's resolutions – the last one I made involved providing and receiving more forehead kisses and entering more contests – I'm going all in this year. I will be more open, more inquisitive, more contemplative, and more honest. If I could resolve to be less scared, I would, but that would violate my other goals. I can't promise to fear less, but I can endeavor to accept myself and my surroundings, to be less passive about both of those things, and ultimately, try to live more fearlessly."

Erin Mahoney is a student and copy editor in Riverside, CA. She loves television's Golden Girls. She can also play The Simpsons theme song on most every instrument. Fancy that.

Her very serious views on humanity can be seen at her blog, The things that are wrong with my brain.

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection, here are the links.
• Kelly Vargas wants you to know that you've kept her in a welcome prison
• Joe Zavella's the man who loves you
• Viet Nguyen used to be too young to live
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• James Park drops some truth bombs about 2009
• I talk about lessons learned, '09 style

Kelly knows it's more about who you're with rather than where you are

2010-01-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

Today, you get two special guest writers. The second of whom, pictured above, is Sassy McSassypants. I'm just kidding, that's obviously not a real name. Kelly Canavan Vargas can be seen above very legally drinking a bottle of champagne on a sidewalk in the Lower Haight.
"I’ll only write briefly about maturity and adulthood (as this seems to be a theme) because, more than ever, 2009 didn’t make me feel particularly adult and I certainly didn’t mature. Maybe that’s a lie. I got excited when my 401k started to make its turn for the better and is almost back to where it was two years ago. I also got depressed about the BS housing market. While 2009 may not have brought about a newfound view of what it means to be an adult, it did bring about some “adult” problems. More than anything I may or may not have learned, I have become more appreciative of the extraordinary people in my life.

This year was less about growing up, and more about growing impotent. I realized what little control I have over my life. The housing market is a major contributor to this. I’ve seen friends take steps towards changing their lives – specifically by going back to school. I’m unable to afford to take time off to complete a graduate degree because I have a mortgage (and a house I can’t sell). The transitions I’ve witnessed have made me anxious especially because I’ve been settled for a few years and I’ve been working in the same industry for seven. But, I’ve seen friends struggle with job loss. I’ve seen friends struggle with their civil rights. I’ve seen friends lose tremendously important people. My troubles are trite (and I have years to sort them out). Perhaps that’s what I gained in 2009, a sense of perspective and a realization that, for now, I shall just drift along in the ebb and flow of the world.

Although the year brought about a bit of a prison that I thought was an investment, 2009 truly provided a sense of contentment. Contentment is a seldom-experienced feeling for me. I usually become anxious about stagnation and fear that contentment is just another word for complacency. This year was different. Maybe, I listened to fewer new artists, which made me feel old and out of touch. And knitted more scarves, which also made me feel old. And really wanted a cat, which is inherently old. And purchased more cardigans than any year before, which is obviously something old folks wear. Mostly, I laughed and rode and read and made a fool of myself. I also danced my ass off, not unlike that show on Oxygen. And that is the source of my contentment – an increasingly wonderful marriage and the friendships that flourished throughout this year. 2009 really kicked off when I had the opportunity to travel to Portland for my birthday in April and it just so happened that we were able to meet up with our good friend Zuhair. After my birthday, started a tidal wave of amazing weekends and Thursday nights filled with friends and drinks and laughter (and occasionally costumes). Capping the year off was more time spent with friends. I’ve realized that it’s less of where you live and more of who you spend time with.

Oh California, forgive me for not appreciating you in the past years! Forgive me for my indiscretions and my brief love affair with Portland. Though intense and beautiful as it was, more than ever, I’ve come to accept you as my home and the friends here as family. Though I may still look for jobs at the art colleges there, your sunny days and purple (k)nights ground me. 2010 cemented that sentiment as I rode my bike off into the sunset this past weekend. There could be worse places to be confined to and worse people to do some time with."

Kelly Canavan Vargas is a "professional employee" in Glendora, CA. She enjoys bikes, beers, and cutesy little animals. Like owls. I'm pretty sure she likes owls. And puppies.

She doesn't have a blog or a twitter so instead I've linked to this, which is just another picture of her in full-sass mode.

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection, here are the links.
• Joe Zavella's the man who loves you
• Viet Nguyen used to be too young to live
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• James Park drops some truth bombs about 2009
• I talk about lessons learned, '09 style

This man's name is Joe Zavella and he loves you

2010-01-11T10:37:00.000-08:00

This is Joe Zavella, today's special guest writer. He loves three things: Mexican food, Mariachi music, and Magic.
"I remember 2009 in the same way you might remember a dream: Some of the facts have intermingled with fantasy and I probably got smaller laughs then I remember or perhaps they were larger. The year started off with a surprise in my home town of Riverside, great friends and good times is how I remember most of that night. I danced with the waitress and she kissed me on the cheek, I smiled. In 2009 the only girl that I ever tried to love got married. I was told the ceremony was quite beautiful and I hear she is doing very well. I think of her from time to time and smile knowing that a girl that I once loved, and perhaps always will, found the bond that we could not make.

In the summer I took my first real vacation in years. We took a train north to Oregon where we met a lot of people who reminded me of us. With full hugs and big smiles, we reunited with old friends, who were there when we started to become the people we are now. It reaffirmed that we would still be together when we were done being whomever we happened to grow into. The days were sky blue and the nights star-filled. The kind of place you'd never want to leave, the kind of people that I will never stop loving. I found myself ecstatic and convinced myself that some bonds can not be broken.

The summer of 2009 was one of the happiest I can remember, but as the summer came to a close I was taught a lesson that I was not prepared for: The lesson that some bonds can be broken, that sometimes, your heart will break in ways that you can’t repair, that sometimes one of the bright spots in your life can turn into a hole in your heart, and you cant fill it, you cant help it, and every time you think about it it’s like the ocean crushing down on you, and you can’t breathe.

There is something beautiful about being brothers, when you can walk through life knowing that there is someone out there who doesn’t care about any of the things that you agonize over. People who can love you as good or as bad as you get, tall or fat, short or skinny, prince or prick. It’s not something that I’m fully able to understand. It is my opinion that it is something that takes a lifetime to comprehend. I don’t know why we were so close. I don’t know what it was that made us such good friends. I do know that I miss my brother, and I fear that I will always be haunted, not by the memories that were, rather by the memories that will never be, the experiences that we never had a chance to share. A brother lost, a good man, a good friend. I found myself unable to focus.

You know that feeling where the walls are closing in on you, even when you're outside? My lack of enthusiasm was apparent in my everyday life and in my work. After a short time I was let go from my job. I felt like I had hit rock-bottom, and my depression began to envelop me. I was broke, the bills were beginning to pile up and I could feel myself drifting away into my own sorrow. But you will be pleased to know that I am not a pessimist! I am an optimist! I like to look on the bright side, and while losing Robby was to date, the darkest time in my life, it is good to remember that it's always darkest before the dawn. I guess through his death Robby taught me my greatest lesson: That right when you get knocked down and you feel like you cant get up, right then, right in that moment, that’s when you have to. That’s when I reached up, and wouldn’t you know it, all the people who loved me reached back.

I loved Robby with my whole heart and I know that’s why it still hurts, but I also know that allowing myself to love and to be loved is what turns your friends into your family. This year taught me that my friends are my family because I love all of you and every time we meet I’m going to try my best to allow you into my heart and, maybe with a lil’ luck, I'll get into yours. So in 2010 let’s go for a bike ride or maybe we could have a picnic. Let’s go to the bar and drink too much. Let’s laugh till it hurts, let’s cry until it doesn’t hurt anymore, and after that lets do it all over again. Let us warm ourselves in the glow of our souls and never forget that through each other we can reach heights never before imagined.

My name is Joe Zavella and if you’re reading this, that means I love you and in 2010 I would like to show you."

Joe Zavella hails from California's High Dessert but is currently "funemployed" while getting ready to go back to school in Riverside, CA. To catch him in his natural environment, watch him on any dance floor.

If you'd like to read up some more about Joe and his friend Robby, check out his blog, 100 Days of Robby, where Joe is recounting his favorite memories with his best friend, who is sadly no longer with us.

Also, Joe's somewhat of a twitterer. Follow him @joedancemachine.

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection, here are the links.
• Viet used to be too young to live
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• James Park drops some truth bombs about 2009
• I talk about lessons learned, '09 style

Viet used to be too young to live

2010-01-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

Here's your special guest writer, Viet Nguyen, dutifully informing us of what year it currently is before talking about the year it just was.
"Most of my life I’ve felt like I was too young to live life. I felt as though I didn’t have any stories to tell or experiences to purge or loosely hold on to in vain. At some point over the years, I’ve slowly transitioned from my eager and dissatisfied self, to a self-aware version of imperfection. I’m pretty apathetic about that. The things I cared about in 2009 are a bit less evolved than the important things in my life today. Does that zit on my chin really matter? Do I really need to tweeze my eyebrows when I have awesome bangs? Why do I have to choose between the egg and the chicken when there’s possibly another dimension?

In 2009, I transitioned from a work environment where I was the youngest and brightest star in the sky to a “non-traditional” student in a competitive academic environment where I am one of the oldest with an arsenal of experiences and stories for a rainy day. I was a stereotypical graduate from a Master’s program at one of the top public schools in the country with an expensive degree that didn’t serve me well in this fumbling “economy.” Using a vague term that encompasses so many causes and consequences is a bit disheartening for me, but it explains a lot. It explained why I moved back in with my parents after living alone for 6 years. It explained why a significant amount of people I knew got laid off. It explained why I was working a shit job where I was smarter than my supervisors and couldn’t say anything about it, which nearly killed me.

But when I look back at this incredibly long year, I am grateful for everything. I’ll be quite honest here and go ahead and say I didn’t learn very much. I probably didn’t mature very much. And I probably didn’t overcome very much. Maybe that all happened in 2008; I’m not sure since I reset my memory. All I know is that 2009 began with me vomiting in footie pajamas on the 10 free way because my then boyfriend farted out a stomach gurgling stench (and I was really drunk). And it ended in San Francisco, with my now fiancé vomiting cashew-like chunks on a quiet street in Glen Park (he wasn’t really drunk). That’s right, ladies - I’m going to marry that guy. Read ‘em and weep.

But in all seriousness, in the 363 days in between, I had many rough moments that can be misinterpreted as depression. I wouldn’t deem it clinical depression, especially since those moments could be cured with a bottle of wine - hey, I’m almost a doctor. I look at those moments as being sad. And I am pretty apathetic about that. I was sad, I traveled, I grieved, I cooked, I enjoyed myself, I was happy, I was bored, and I was plenty anxious. I enjoyed my dear friends. I grew further apart from my parents. I was honest with myself. I downsized. I upgraded. I started medical school. I QUIT MY JOB.

I’m planning a future.

I used to be in this hurry to live life so I can have all these amazing stories to tell every stranger I met during the course of my life. Now that I have a few stories to tell, they are no longer reserved for the next acquaintance I meet. They are for me. And the older I get, the more movie-like this all seems. Maybe I’m starting to live in a screenwriter’s fictional world. It’s probably just coincidence. In either case, thank you in advance, 2010. And just like my good buddy, Zuhair, I’ve got a good feeling about you too.

/end cliché"

Viet Nguyen is a med student in Riverside, CA. Her hobbies include all sorts of things she likes doing. She secretly tweets @nguyenthuyviet. Check out her (unfortunately defunct) blog, 100 Ideas.

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection, here are the links.
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• James Park drops some truth bombs about 2009
• I talk about lessons learned, '09 style

Selected Responses from a Year's End Survey I Didn't Really Take.

2010-01-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

This picture has nothing to do with this post.

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did! But it was a pretty easy one. My resolution last year was to not eat cheeseburgers anymore. Haven't had one since December 31st, Aught Eight. This year I've decided to "exercise every now and again," or more specifically, "every once in a while." This includes walking the dog more, and umm... more bike rides to bars? YEAH!

What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
I would like to have in school be.

What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Birthday. Probably not going to be able to top 2009's birthday weekend.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
This is actually the first year in a long while in which I didn't actually get food poisoning. So kinda the opposite there. I owe it all to not eating cheeseburgers, woot woot!

I did slide into second base while wearing shorts during a friendly softball game though. The injuries sustained there were enough to prevent me from going to SXSW. I feel like I'm never going to get out to Austin.

What was the best thing you bought?
I didn't really buy anything this year. I guess I would have to say a new guitar tuner, because it got me to start playing (poorly) again.

Where did most of your money go?
Food, drink, records.

What did you get really, really excited about?
The Dodgers. Europe. The Dodgers in Europe. Wilco.

What songs will always remind you of 2009?

How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it at home with Maeby. We drank wine and watched Die Hard.

What was your favorite TV program?
Mad Mans

What was the best book you read?
I think that'd be a tie between The Road and Kafka by the Shore.

What was your favourite film of this year?
Again, a tie. This time it's between A Serious Man and Fantastic Mr. Fox. Kinda on opposite ends of the spectrum there, but hey, watch one and feel devastated, then head in and watch the other one to lift ya back up again.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Color blind old man.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Tina Fey and Alison Brie. Yumms. Does that sound gross? When I add "yumms" at the end of a lady's name?

What political issue stirred you the most?
Prop 8.

Who did you miss?
My goddamned Jimmy Jams, who moved up to stupid San Francisco.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
No.

The first two songs I want to learn on my ukulele

2010-01-06T09:26:00.000-08:00

James drops some truth bombs on us, 2009 style.

2010-01-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

Here's your special guest writer, James Park, trying to "get down on it" as they say.

"2009 was the year of choices. I chose to vote for the first black President. I chose to move to a different city. I chose to drink more. I chose to eat more. I chose to dance more. I chose to yell more. I chose travel over home. I chose to get a different job and in return, they chose me. Like I said, it was the year of choices. But while I would like to think that last year was full of watershed moments where I made those life-altering choices, the truth is that a lot of those choices were made for me. I didn't want to start hating my job in Orange County, but that wasn't up to me. I didn't want to drink more but I really hated my job. I didn't want to eat more but you know how hungry you get when you've been drinking. And I didn't want to gain weight but nothing beats Del Taco when you're drunk. And then I was right back where I started, hating my job.

I think a lot of us like to delude ourselves into thinking that we control our own lives. But I've learned that most of us, probably all of us, are not in control. Whether it's a car accident, getting laid off, the economy taking a dip in Lake Recession, cancer, a marriage falling apart or a girl telling you that she doesn't love you, what happens to us isn't really up to us. I'm writing this in my kitchen in San Francisco not because I moved up here but because someone else chose to give me a job so I could move up here. And you're getting to read this because somebody else (me) took the time to write it and somebody else (Zuhair) was kind enough to post it. Most of what we do is a direct result of the choices others put in front of us.

But while we don't have a say in the things that happen to us, we do have a say in how we react. We can't always control what we take in from the world but we can certainly control what we put out there. And that's the most important thing I took away from 2009. I wasn't able to do a lot about losing my job, or stop my parents from slowly drifting apart. I couldn't force someone to tell the truth or convince someone else not to fall in love. I couldn't stop the urine-smelling homeless man from sitting next to me on the subway. Hell, I wasn't able to stop the Yankees from winning the World Series. But I was able to find a new job and I was able to forgive someone for lying. I was able to be there for someone when they got their heart broken and I was able to give that homeless man a dollar for a hot cup of coffee.

For 2010, I want to learn how to let go. I want to learn how to accept things as they come. I want to handle life like a man instead of a boy. I want to lose some weight. And I really want the Yankees to have a losing season. I know that this year, just like last year, will be full of the unpredictable. But unlike last year, I know that whatever happens, happens, but how I react will always be up to me.

Happy new year."

James can be found gallivanting about on the streets of San Francisco. When he's not doing that, he's twittering what he eats. Not about what he eats, simply what he eats. Follow him @robocopinator.

If you missed any of the previous entries in this collection here are the links.
• Jake Kilroy's take on "growing up" in 2009
• Keith Hernandez talks about travel and family in 2009
• And I wrote some bullshit about 2009 as well

Jake talks about 2009, Maturity, and Clichés

2010-01-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

Special guest writer Jake Kilroy enjoys wine, boats, and ignoring children.
2009: Maturity (And Other Things I Thought Were Total Bullshit)
by Jake Kilroy

In 2009, I matured. Finally.

Well, more importantly, I think I made the final personal development into adulthood. Obviously, I will continue to evolve, as to most things, if not all things (I don’t know, as I did piss-poor in both high school and college science courses – quantum physics can go fuck itself). What I mean is that I believe that 2009, at least in my book (there’s no book – it’s just a literary device), will be remembered as the year that I officially…grew up.

Ugh.

It sounds so awful to say/write or hear/read. Or it did, once. But not anymore. I’m still getting used to it. Admitting you’re an adult is like buying a killer new pair of jeans. They fit, but it’s a little snug and constricting at first, but you can already tell that they look good and, when they’re finally broken in, it’s going to feel really good too. You know, life is a lot like blue jeans when you think about it.

So, at some point, I think I became more mature, though I have some serious difficulty placing when. That’s probably not all that weird, I suppose. I don’t recall most exact moments of sophisticated development. Did the Pokemons ever remember their first power-up? Is that analogy dated? Do I care? Am I asking too many questions?

Of course I’m asking too many questions. It’s all part of maturity. That’s why you wonder everything as a kid, doubt everything as a teenager and second-guess everything as an adult.

It’s all science or something.

Anyway, I don’t remember the fierce moments of change in me in the winding course of my life. I don’t remember the first time I noticed a girl and felt butterflies tickling the walls of my dinky, little torso. I don’t remember the first time I had $100 or $1,000 in my bank account (or ever getting one in the first place). I don’t even remember when I got hair in places that were not the top of my head.

Maybe I remember variations of those moments though. I remember my first kiss (fifth grade), I remember the first time I saved my money ($30 roller blades) and I remember masturbating for the first time on the bathroom floor and thinking that I was surely going to become a sex addict by high school.

At least I can ballpark the season or stretch of months that I came out the other side of tunnel vision as someone more mature. I spent the summer up in Seattle and I noticed how patient, reasonable and understanding I was by autumn. These simple yet profound traits were, and still are, well-disguised in me, I suppose. They’re hidden somewhere behind a mouth that explodes with swear words like fireworks, a brain that is constantly devising scheme ploys and revenge plots and a heart that is always yearning, though it would be careless to admit it outright.

Imagine three young, healthy swimmers taking a nap on an island with one large weeping willow tree. The leafy swaying of the tree’s branches, sweeping the water like brooms, never letting any passing car or boat know that there are three sleepers beyond the veil of green tickling blue.

This, I suppose, is maturity. And I’ve experienced it in so many oddball variations. In elementary school, I thought maturity was listening to adults. In junior high, I thought maturity was being away from adults. In high school, I thought maturity was questioning adults. In college, I thought maturity was being an adult. Now, as an adult, I realize that maturity is just calming the fuck down and enjoying your life.

In the beginning of the year, I was living in a party house with three other man-childs in their early twenties. Somehow, I believe this stunted my growth and development as a person, as it gave me a glimpse, or chance even, to perpetually try out an indefinite livelihood of being 19. When I was 19, I went to parties nearly every weekend and ate out throughout the week. This, if I remember correctly, which I probably don’t, was the first year I had the chance to do that. I lived at home still, but a sudden relief had surged in my decision-making process when I realized that I was no longer in high school and was able to really just fuck up everything in pretty cool way. But I always wondered what it would’ve been like to be that liquored-up-biting-wit-mouthing-off-arrogant-dietery-hopeless-self-indulgent-careless young bastard if I had my own place. So, when I finally moved out in the beginning of 2007, I succumbed to that insufferable disease known as immaturity. And I was plagued with it until May of 2009.

Even though I had a big-boy job of sorts, working at a national business magazine, I was late to work, I ate fast food nearly every day (sometimes twice) and I drank on like a stupid fish (not like those smart fish that understand moderation, who swim and don’t drown). There were always parties, and if it wasn’t parties, it was kick-backs or sit-arounds or hang-outs or I don’t know…this is all sounding really dated, even by the new millennium standards of man-childish practice.

This year, I was laid off in March and we moved out of the house in May, and I was struck with a severe curiosity that I never before had the chance to entertain. I had a fuck-ton of severance money, a fuck-ton of free time and a fuck-ton of swear words that were ready to dazzle their way between laughter and loitering.

So, naturally, I fled to Seattle.

I had a friend moving up there and I thought, “Well, I’m not doing anything.” So I moved up with him for the summer. I won’t get into the politics of summer. However, I will say that it was the best summer I’ve had since I was 15 and the best summer since taking on legitimate responsibility and control of my life. Every day, I was writing, swimming or exploring. There was always adventure. I had nowhere to be, except exactly where I wanted and I had never had that. There was always school, work and social requirements. I have always been too busy for my own good. But, in Seattle, I couldn’t be busy.

Instead of attending birthday or going-away parties, I was sitting by the window of our Seattle apartment and writing fiction on my new laptop, listening to the sporadic passing car in the night. Instead of sitting in a bleak office, I was jumping off of docks during the day. Everything had been replaced. I still went to parties, but they were with new friends. I still ate out, but at new cafes and restaurants. And, somehow, among all of this change, I found maturity.

I no longer ate at fast food chains, but ate at healthier restaurants or the grocery store. I stopped eating candy for the most part (which was like a preacher giving up his Bible – the larger picture is still there, but the main fix is not – I also stopped caring if analogies made sense). I wrote more (which I would put off), I showered regularly (which I also put off) and I stopped collecting grudges like decorated war medals (which I sincerely put on).

The list was much longer, but the point is that by the time the leaves were changing, I had already changed (poetry!) and returned to California a suspiciously patient, reasonable and understanding individual. I was quieter and more mature. I was no longer anxious, senseless and ruthlessly argumentative.

It’s not like Seattle has mystical healing powers. I had just never lived in any other city than Orange, California, before I ventured up to the Northwest. And, when I removed myself from practically everything I knew, the loud, brash and reckless one-man parade I was became much more of a well-planned, polite and socially engaging dinner party.

Hmmm.

Even the notion of removing yourself to change sounds like a cliché.

The thing is that I never thought I had to run away to “find myself” or anything else that sounds so very awfully and terribly teenage-martyr-like. No, it was more like, “Oh man, once I finally moved out of a party house and had time to actually think, maturity just kind-of-sort-of happened. Whoa. Gnar.” That’s about it: I just calmed the fuck down and really started enjoying my life. Yep. No clichés. Well, actually, there are a lot of clichés dancing their way through this essay, but I figure clichés come with change and are delivered into existence because there has to be truth to them somewhere, whether they readily show it or not.

Fuck, that makes me a cliché, doesn’t it?

Wait, ending this essay like that is a cliché, isn’t it?

Well, fine. Whatever. I bet us mature adults love clichés. They’re/we're probably the ones who made them clichés. And, really, what’s the problem with something happening time and time again? Isn’t that all clichés are? Aren’t they just soft-spoken off-hand remarks that are passed around like joints? Don’t we all just go through the same bullshit anyway? Who cares if we have a few sayings that jump from one person to another, like a kid goes rock to rock to make it across a river? Do you care? Do I care? Am I asking a lot of questions again?

Maturity!

Jake Kilroy is a writer and something else in Orange, CA. He leaves town more often than anyone I've ever met. He also keeps and maintains a blog of his own, read it ya dunces! The Cobblestone Address.

If you're a twitterer, so is he. Follow him @fakebookcovers.

This is how I'll be spending most of my upcoming days

2010-01-05T08:58:00.001-08:00

My parents might have given me my birthday present 2 weeks late, but who gives a crap! It's a goddamned Ukulele! I've been wanting one all year. Now... I just need to strike the perfect balance between dicking around on this thing and studying for my CSETs on Saturday.

Keith talks about 2009

2010-01-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

Here's your special guest writer, Keith Hernandez, potentially doing something illegal.

"Two thousand and nine was easily the most life-like year I've ever experienced. It really showed me the ups and the downs. More than I was expecting anyway.

I traveled more than I've ever traveled in my life. I always fly from California to Texas every year for Christmas, but aside from that I don't really travel much. Last January I finally got to see San Francisco and it was exactly as I hoped. Dive bars, fancy breakfasts, weed from Dreadlocks Guy in the park, shrooms from Other Dreadlocks Guy in a dive bar, and a kind of vibe that I could get used to.

It was the first vacation I had been on in years. And it was also a breathe of fresh air after being "downsized" from my last job in '08. Luckily my part time job was sort of keeping me afloat, but not really.

Then later in May I got to see New York City with my dad and brother. Even though it was only one weekend, it was more than memorable, it was amazing and I'll never forget it. It was weird being in a job crunch while simultaneously taking more vacations than ever before. It put my brain into a weird self-inflicted guilt trip.

Throughout the rest of the year the emotional roller coaster only picked up speed as the awesomeness was constantly juxtaposed to true calamity. In the next six months I would see Las Vegas for the first time (and also for the second), I would party, I would be merry, I would fly home three times, I would have my final words with a man that was like a father to me, and I would coax a crowd of over 200 people into uproarious applause by singing "She's Your Queen" from Coming to America. I would forget more awesome stories than any year to date.

In those six months I would reassess how strong I really am, then be wrong and reassess how strong I really am. I would grow closer to my family than ever before while celebrating one decade of living more than a thousand miles away from them. I would see my 76 year old grandmother see the West Coast for the first time in her life. I would see more in those six months than I had seen in the collective 24 and half years prior to it.

But I feel stronger and ready. Whatever that bull shit means. I'm ready to take this new job promotion seriously and to take my career to the next level. I still feel like a kid sometimes at work; like they see me as a kid. I think I'm ready to grow up.

I think I might have grown up in 2009. But not too much. Poop. Poop poopy fart. There. Now in 2010 I can set a goal to grow up enough to stop using poop as a fall back joke."

Keith Hernandez is one of them twenty-somethings graphic designers living in Costa Mesa, CA. It's odd how many of them twenty-somethings graphic designers living in Costa Mesa, CA I know... Anyhow, you can find Keith's somewhat nonsensical ramblings over at his Twitter page.

this must be the place [naive melody]

2010-01-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

I just took a trip up to San Francisco with a few friends and we decided that we'd each make a mix to listen to for the drive up. Out of four of us, only 50% actually did this. Bill didn't make one, cause he's a lazy dick. Viet didn't make one, instead she just brought the Mix O'Mahoney because she thought I hadn't heard it (even though I posted it up here like 2 weeks ago). And Joe...Joe's a goddamned sweetheart and a champion amongst men and women alike. He made 4 mixes! God bless him.

Anyhow, I also made one. It's more "fun" than my other mixes. Well, maybe it's just that I had fun making it. Anyhow, I like it so I thought I'd share it with y'all.

Anyhow, download here or below.

TRACKS
1. Detouring America with Horns - Yo La Tengo
2. I'll Remember - The Kinks
3. Totally Wired - The Fall
4. So Much Beauty in Dirt - Modest Mouse
5. German Love - Starfucker
6. This Must Be the Place [Naive Melody] - Talking Heads
7. Pass This On - The Knife
8. Syracuse - Pinback
9. Attitude - Misfits
10. Alfomega - Caetano Veloso
11. Vicious - Lou Reed
12. Riding on the Rocket - Shonen Knife
13. With a Girl Like You - The Troggs
14. I Should Have Known Better - Yo La Tengo
15. Don't Slow Down - Matt & Kim
16. Parentheses - The Blow
17. Concrete & Clay - Unit 4 Plus 2
18. Yellow Brick Road - Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band
19. Lloyd I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken - Camera Obscura
20. Some Kinda Hate - Misfits
21. Love Goes to Building on Fire - Talking Heads

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io

Save File: this must be the place.zip

Year in Retrospect, in Review, and in Revival

2010-01-03T15:03:00.000-08:00

That's me in the center there. I think my shirt might be orange. (Photo by Caroline)
2009 was a year of travels, triumphs, trials, and travails. This year I've been on 7 different airplanes, driven thousands of miles, visited 35 states and 2 continents, stopping in a total of 6 different countries, while trying my hand at ordering food and drink, and occasionally asking for directions, in 5 different languages. It's been the most physically and emotionally exhausting year of my life. It was a year of intense fun and equally intense confusions.

In North Carolina I was able to have dinner and get drunk with one of my heroes. In Portland I had possibly the best week of my life. I made many new friends and was able to live on the road with some of them for months at a time. I reconnected with friends I haven't seen in years, and it felt like not even a day had passed. I went to almost 80 shows this year, far surpassing any amount I've been to in the past and will ever go to again in the future. I got to see my favorite band twice.

I've grown closer to people I never thought I could be any closer to. I've also seen friendships wane with people I never thought it was possible to lose. I've seen many beginnings, yet too many definite conclusions. I've sat and drank with friends. I've sat and laughed with friends. I've sat and cried with friends.

I've learned many things this year. Most notably I've learned how to let go, I've learned how to move on. I've learned how to accept the things that come to me, both the good and the bad. I've learned again how to appreciate "home," not only as a place, but as a concept. I may have learned these things too late. Now I need to learn how to forget, and also how to forgive myself. I also have to learn Algebra and Geometry before January 9th.

In 2009 I had a job that I allowed to define who I was. Now that job is gone and I need to find a way to define myself, based on who I am and not what I do. It's also time to start taking seriously whatever it is that will come next.

2009 began with me sick in bed, after eating my third bad cheeseburger of the year. 2010 began with me falling asleep in San Francisco, in my best friend's neighbor's doorway while one of the greatest men I've ever known emptied his stomach at the end of the sidewalk 10 feet away from me and his freshly-named fiance ran backwards laps around us. I remember counting down to New Years with about 200 other people, none of whom realizing at the time that we were counting down 2 minutes too early. I remember drinking whiskey and champagne in the streets. I remember laughter, I remember the most laughter. I remember nothing but smiles and hugs and kisses and the odd, yet welcome, warmth of that winter night in San Francisco.

2010, I've got a good feeling about you.

Mix O'Mahoney

2009-12-15T07:34:00.000-08:00

My friend (and maker of fine images like the one above) Erin Mahoney made me a mix CD before I left on tour. I listened to it almost every day while I was gone. It's chocked full of old favorites of mine (Camera Obscura, Wilco, and Yo La Tengo) as well as new jams that'll keep me occupied for some time (Bon Iver, Girl in a Coma, a Coconut Records track I actually like, and a Daniel Johnston song I'd never heard.)

By far though, my two favorite songs on the mix are these ones:

Anyhow, here's a link to the full mix, which also includes songs by Bob Dylan, The Zombies, Built to Spill, and others. Download and enjoy it!
Clickity click click.

I've been listening to a lot of The Troggs lately

2009-11-29T02:39:00.000-08:00

Let's get real drunk and ride our bikes

2009-11-11T14:39:00.000-08:00

I want more nights like this in my life.

2009-10-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering what this penguin is thinking about here. He must be so confused. It looks like he just broke through the 4th wall and is looking in on what he thought was his real life. Stop me if this doesn't make any sense, but I just get the feeling that this penguin never wants to go back in that tank ever again.

Bunker from another time and another place

2009-10-19T12:29:00.000-07:00

My dad just sent me this picture of the school he went to in Yemen. I guess for a little while it was used as a station for the military. In the 1950s and 1960s, much of Yemen was still under British Colonial rule so there was a lot of friction between the Arabs and the Brits so it wouldn't have been uncommon for schools and other public buildings to be taken over temporarily by the military. These men don't really seem to be planning a strategic offensive against the Limeys though, instead it seems that their primary objective is to chill.

I've been rather silent lately

2009-08-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like all of my internets are falling victim to a slow, painful, and stagnant kind of death. Aside from Twitter that is. I can twitter-twat all day. I can say twitter-twat all day. My latest obsession in life and on the twitter has been something I've been calling #yourdailycuteness. Basically, I just go on there everyday and post some type of super cute picture or video. Usually pictures because I can't watch videos at work. Here are some examples from the past two weeks:

The Buzzcocks

2009-08-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

You said I could run away too.

2009-07-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

Just placed my order for this guy.
It's a 12x24, 5 color (I can see, maybe, two of those colors) screen print done by Daniel Danger. I saw this guy posted at OMG Posters! the other day and just had to have it. So I hurried and ordered it through MondoTees, which turns out to have been a mistake since, even though they sold out rather quickly, Daniel will now be offering them up at his site. The one's he'll have will be signed and numbered. He's also gonna have a blue variant. So...ummm, boohair? Yes, boohair indeed.

Also, I've finally started the process of screen capping this movie, so be on the lookout for those, probably this week.

Wilco Posters

2009-06-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

Here are some concert posters I bought at the Wilco shows I went to recently.

Fox Theater in Pomona, 6.20.2009

Wiltern Theatre in Los Angeles, 6.23.2009

Things that I've been called other than my name

2009-06-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

Over the years I've had a lot of people not really understand my name. This usually only happens when people encounter my name for the first time. Whether they hear me or someone else say it, or if they see it written down. I always, without fail find these moments hilarious. I think you all know about my favorite time this happened ("Two Hands, huh?"), but here are some more classic "Zuhair" eff-ups.

There was my the history professor at UCR, Elizabeth Vanderven, who for two whole quarters called me Zaire (Zah-year), like you know? The country in Africa (now called the somewhat less catchy Democratic Republic of Congo). I probably could have corrected her, but dang dude, she was cute and I figured that I'd let her call me whatever she wanted.

The ethnic studies professor, Ralph Crowder, who simply glossed over my name and opted to skip the first part altogether and just call me Abdulla. He's the only person that I've ever known to call me by only my last name, consistently. I ran into him about a year ago, having first had class with him in 2001 and found out that he still calls me, simply, Abdulla.

I'm not even going to talk about what happened when that stupid Don't Mess With the Zohan movie came out.

At the Toyota dealership a few weeks ago one of the dudes from maintenance came up to me and asked me if I owned a Prius. I said yes and he told me my car was done and ready to be paid for. Usually they just call your name on the loud speaker but I had my headphones in and couldn't hear. Anyhow. I went up to the counter to pay for whatever it was they were fixing when the lady behind the counter said, in a Mexican accent, "Oh! It's your car! I was calling Zwa-hurr for like 10 minutes! Just me saying 'Zwa-hurr, Zwa-hurr, your car is ready.'" I told her I was wearing headphones and couldn't hear, but didn't mention that even if I could hear, I still would have had no idea that my car was ready.

There's a guy who does handiwork at the house that I work at. I've seen him probably once a week or at least twice a month since I started working here in August of last year. We don't talk much but we always do a little stop and chat. His name is Justin and he's addressed me by name many times. I went on tour for about 5 weeks starting at the end of March. When I returned back to the office the week after tour ended I saw him and said hello. He responded with, "Oh hey Zuha (Zoo-ha, as in Zoo-ha got you all in check!), how's it going?" He also ended the conversation with, "Good seeing you again, Zuha!" I guess 6 weeks of not seeing me makes you forget the last two letters of my name.

I can't remember exactly where this happened but I was at a somewhat loud party when one of my friends decided to introduce me to the lady he brought. She was very, very, clearly not interested in meeting me and wasn't really paying attention at all. So when I said, "Hi, I'm Zuhair, nice to meet you," she very bitchily responded with "What's a Zuhair?"

When I was a child, a little baby Zuhair if you will, all the other children used to call me Poohair. I believe though, that that was somewhat intentional.

Success!

2009-06-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

Saturday had me watching one of my favorite bands ever, Wilco. It was, hands down, the best show I've ever been to in my life. And I saw Weezer 3 times before they got all shitty! In fact, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it; It was the best anything ever. For Wilco fans out there, here's what they played:

1. Wilco (The Song)
2. I Am Trying To Break Your Heart
3. Bull Black Nova
4. You Are My Face
5. One Wing
6. A Shot In The Arm
7. Radio Cure
8. Impossible Germany
9. Deeper Down
10. Pick Up The Change
11. Can't Stand It
12. Jesus, Etc.
13. Hate It Here
14. You Never Know
15. Theologians
16. Walken
17. I'm The Man Who Loves You
18. Hummingbird
// E1: 19. Passenger Side
20. California Stars
21. Misunderstood
22. Happy Birthday
23. Spiders (Kidsmoke)
// E2:
24. Kingpin
25. Monday
26. Hoodoo Voodoo

Don't know if you noticed that there, but they did two encores!

They didn't play a few jams that I really wanted to hear, but they had such a good set list it didn't really matter. Plus they played Misunderstood which is goddamned incredible. Here it is, the live version off of Kicking Television:

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io

I couldn't find a really good live video of the whole song, there's one from Lollapalooza '08 that was pretty good but then I noticed it didn't have the lead guitar in the mix, what up with that sound guy? Anyhow, so instead I've just embedded this short clip from I am Trying to Break Your Heart of just the end bits.

The Darjeeling Limited, 2007

2009-06-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

Higher res if you click the pics

"I guess I've still got a lot of healing to do."

Wilco

2009-06-10T11:34:00.000-07:00

Next Saturday I'm going to be seeing Wilco at The Fox Theater in Pomona. This'll be my second time seeing them and I'm pretty dang excited. Here are some videos of them that I like a lot:

My favorite:

And not only do I LOVE this next song, but I think the video is super funny. It looks like it's from one of those MTV Winter Break things they used to do in the 90s. This video is full of cheesy edits and for some reason, Tweedy is wearing snowboarding goggles:

Funny People

2009-06-01T13:39:00.001-07:00

I honestly haven't been excited about an Adam Sandler movie since Punch Drunk Love came out back in 2002. That movie came out and it really showed me how incredible of an actor this goofball can be. It kind of ruined the shtick he had going for so long with movies like Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, and The Waterboy. So when he returned to making movies like that, I did not return to the theaters. Even his subsequent attempts at serious acting failed to grasp my attention (Spanglish, Reign on Me, I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry). Paul Thomas Anderson captured Adam Sandler at his absolute best. It kind of made me feel the way I did when I first saw Bill Murray in a similar type of situation, silly comedian turns comically serious. Not that Adam Sandler is anywhere near as talented and amazing as Mr. Murray, but for a moment there I did see a glimpse of hope.

Anyhow, now he's back with Judd Apatow's Funny People, which has an absurdly good cast including Seth Rogan, Jason Schwartzman, Jonah Hill, and Aziz Ansari. Needless to say, just thinking about this movie gives me a little bit of a boner.

Speaking of Aziz Ansari, has anyone seen Parks and Recreation yet? If so, is it any good? I want to love it, but haven't turned on my TV in a while... let me know what the deal is, yo.

Anyhow, here's the trailer:

The Beauty of Bob!

2009-05-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

So lately I've become kind of re-obsessed with Bob Odenkirk. He's always been one of my favorite comedians, but he's stuck to sketch comedy and directing for so long now that I often forget that he started out as a stand up. Over the past couple of years or so he's been getting back into it and I've been fortunate enough to see him many times. I went and saw him last week at Comedy Death Ray and as always, I found myself wanting to make man-love on him.

I was playing around on the you tube the other day and I actually found one of his sets that I saw early last year at the UCB Theatre in LA. This wasn't the first time I saw him, that was during the Comedians of Comedy tour in '07. Anyhow, it's cut in two parts:

Many of you may already know him from HBO's Mr. Show. Here's one of my favorite sketches starring Bob:

Here's something more recent of his, it's a music video he did for Rogue Wave:
Bob Odenkirk's - Rogue Wave "Chicago x 12"

Paper Heart

2009-05-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

Alright. So here's a new movie starring Charlyne Yi and Michael Cera, called Paper Heart. I honestly can. not. wait. for this movie to come out. I can't believe how goddamned cute they are together! I had heard that they were dating, but I never realized how cute and awkward they are together. Even if this movie is a piece of turd, cut from a turd cake, I will always have this trailer to keep me warm. I wish it was longer...

The Metal In Me

2009-05-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

There's a little bit of Metal in me. It's a bit strange to say, but yeah. I'm kind of a fan of Metal. It happened long ago, on a warm Southern California evening when my brother introduced me to two radio stations, Pirate Radio and KNAC, both of which no longer exist. Anyhow, from the ages of 6-10 or so, all I would listen to was metal, because that's what my brothers listened to. I had no choice but to succumb to metal's fierce will otherwise I was led to believe that Judas Priest would summon a Dragon to come and burn me to a crisp.

Speaking of Judas Priest:

Anyhow, my point here is that I don't actually like metal. I mean, I do, but I don't. At least not in the way your normal metal fan enjoys it. I just find a lot of it so incredibly hilarious that I can do nothing but offer it my love. I mean, seriously! Did you or did you not just watch Judas Priest rob a bank using nothing but their ability to rock the fuck out? And often times, it's not just the videos that are entertaining, but the music itself is actually quite impressive on some strange level. I'm not a fan of crazy-wacky guitar solos, unless they're in Metal songs.

I feel like if there's a place at all for crazy-wacky guitar solos, it's in Metal and Metal alone (I will, however, let Dinosaur Jr., Stephen Malkmus, and Wilco's Sky Blue Sky, slide though). Take for instance the dueling face-melters of Iron Maiden's "The Trooper":

Iron Maiden - The Trooper
by Archangel_M

Anyhow, I think you get my points. So I'll leave you with two videos that I have a severe love/hate relationship with:

And the most ridiculous combination of things I hate: Chris Angel, Magic, and 80's Glam Metal.

Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

2009-05-10T16:02:00.000-07:00

Rushmore (1998)

2009-05-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

So, maybe I should put a little preface on this. Occasionally I'll be posting screenshots from movies that I really felt were not only great, but very photographic. I used to be a photographer, see, so I like pretending I'm still doing it by taking screenshots of pretty much everything I watch on my computer. I'll try to keep the posts to around 8 shots, so as not to be too overwhelming with it. Anyhow, enjoy, or don't. Whatevs, yo. Oh yes, and if you click on them, they will get bigger.

The Royal Tenenbaums

2009-05-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

My favorite movie is The Royal Tenenbaums by Wes Anderson. Today I watched it with the commentary on, which I've done before, but is something that I always find to be a bit difficult because the movie has so many great scenes filled with great dialogue that I don't like missing. So I came up with a remedy. I watched the movie with the commentary on, but turned it off during my favorite scenes and watched them sans commentary, then rewound to the beginning of those scenes and turned the commentary back on. So all in all, it took about three hours or so to watch a 110 minute movie.

Anyhow. Another thing that I really like is capturing screen-shots from movies or TV shows. It's something that I've been kind of obsessively doing these past few months. I'm working on gathering them all up into different sets. So if I have time next week I'll start posting some of them. For now, there's the one at the top of this page from The Royal Tenenbaums, which is quite possibly my favorite moment in the movie.

Bill Callahan

2009-05-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

When I was in Chapel Hill, NC I went to a venue called the Local 506. We got there early, around 5ish or so, so that we could load in, sound check and go get our eat on. Anyhow, I couldn't help but notice the music playing. It sounded somewhat familiar (having been introduced to Smog by a friend recently). Anyhow, all I know is that it was good. So I went up and asked the bartender what he was listening to, turned out to be the new Bill Callahan record, Sometime I Wish We Were An Eagle. I went out and got it that night. I've been listening to it a bunch lately, it's got a really great song on it called Too Many Birds. I think my favorite part of the album is when he says,

If
If you
If you could
If you could only
If you could only stop
If you could only stop your
If you could only stop your heart
If you could only stop your heartbeat
If you could only stop your heartbeat for
If you could only stop your heartbeat for one
If you could only stop your heartbeat for one heart
If you could only stop your heartbeat for one heartbeat

Anyhow, here's the song:

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io

Songs for the Time Being

2009-04-18T02:33:00.000-07:00

I've been on the road since March 29th. I'm touring around with a band called Gliss. I'll be with them until May 4th when I take a couple of days off to rest in New York before heading back home.

I was suddenly inspired the other day while sitting in the back of the van to make a new mix. I don't normally make these as, well, I always feel like every one I know has already heard all the songs I'd be putting on them anyhow. For someone who works in music, I tend to find new music a little later than everyone else.

Anyhow, I gave it a shot here. If you check out the link below you'll get a zip file that has the entire mix on it. It's mostly filled with a bunch of songs that remind me of home. It's also got some fun stuff on there too. I actually tried to make it flow well, so I hope you like it! Anyhow. Enjoy! Or don't, whatevs, yo.

Songs for the Time Being.

A Simple Exercise in Understanding Futility

2009-04-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

Here's a good one. Put on your best pair of running shoes and call up a friend, tell him that you want to go running together. Make sure that you choose someone who is either as fast or slightly faster than you, or at least one who has more endurance than you do. This is really important. Now, while your friend is on his way over to your house, get on our computer and print out the word "PROBLEMS" on one of those iron-on t-shirt sheets. Think of your least favorite color and apply the "PROBLEMS" to a t-shirt of that color. I'm color blind so I'm not actually sure what color I'd pick. Oh yeah, make sure you find out your friend's shirt size first, almost forgot about that part. Anyhow, when he gets there you should decide on a path, hand him the shirt you've just made and ask him politely to change into it, and explain that while running you are constantly going to be running away from him. Your goal is to actually run so far away that you can't find each other. Here's what's gong to happen; As hard as you try to get away, he's either going to be right next to you or right behind you. You'll be out of breath while you're buddy on the other hand will probably have a smile on his face and talk about the "great cardio" you're getting. It'll be easier for him to keep up with you than you think. In the off chance that you actually are able to outrun him though, which you shouldn't because of the superior physical abilities of your running partner, don't be too proud of yourself. I'm quite sure that once you return home your "PROBLEMS" will be waiting on your doorstep, slightly annoyed but still looking to grab a beer.

A Simple Exercise to Achieve Clarity

2009-04-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

So, before I start with this post I wanted to explain a little about what I'm doing here. I've decided to start posting some of my short writings on here from time to time. Things that aren't necessarily about anything in particular. Sometimes it'll be fiction, sometimes it'll just be an idea. Anyhow, here we go with the first one.

A Simple Exercise to Achieve Clarity

Do you ever take your glasses off and just stare out the window? You should try it sometime. It's a bit of a challenge because you have to try and figure out what it is you're actually looking at using nothing but your eyes to bring everything into focus. I mean, well, that's why you have glasses. So that you don't actually have to use your eyes to focus, the glasses do that for you. They simply set up a way for you to focus on things without actually using your eyes. Squinting helps, but you stil don't really get the whole picture. You have to start thinking abut what you're looking at instead of simply looking at it, know what I mean? You have to put what you think you're looking at into context. You have to figure out if what you think you're looking at actually makes sense to be where it is. After you've thought about it for a while you should find yourself actually knowing what it is. You should know exactly what you're looking at. Now, whatever you do, don't put your glasses back on to make sure you really are looking at what you should already know you're looking at. That's not what this exercise is about. Whatever it really is doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because this exercise is designed for you to see what you will see, not so that you will see what is actually there. Does that make sense? This exercise is about achieving clarity on your own, without any assistance.

Video Genius: Eric Wareheim

2009-04-02T13:21:00.001-07:00

I'd like to do a full post on this guy because he really deserves it, but alas, I'm currently on the road and only able to post what I can when I do actually find a Wi-Fi spot (not sure if this should count as a "Video Genius" post since I'm not really get too into detail...). This post was actually supposed to be up about a week and half ago, when the first video you're about to see actually debuted. Anyhow, so I hope you can make do with little I write about Eric Wareheim.

All you really need to know about Eric is that he's the "Eric" from Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Which is one of the funniest shows on televisions. Anyone who has seen this show knows that it's wacky, it's pretty out there and is constantly pushing the boundaries of what could actually be considered comedy. There's a lot of really tense, awkward moments usually filmed with a Public Access TV aesthetic. "She's Got Me Dancing" by Tommy Sparks looks like it's actually got quite a higher budget than some of Wareheim's other videos. I'm not actually a fan of this song, it's alright, but it sounds like a carbon copy of Franz Ferdinand. I just think this video is hilarious, and completely befitting of Wareheim's style:

Tommy Sparks "She's Got Me Dancing" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.
Tommy Sparks - "She's Got Me Dancing"

This video by The Bird and the Bee came out last year and features the same dancer as in the previous video. I saw this on Subterranean and almost pooped a little in my pants when I saw Eric Wareheim as the director... I had never seen any of his music videos before and, well... I fell in love.

The Bird and the Bee - Polite Dance Song from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

The Bird and the Bee - "Polite Dance Song"

Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed them!

Dave Eggers is making movies!!

2009-03-27T11:48:00.001-07:00

So this might be old news, but I never actually posted about. Dave Eggers, my favorite contemporary writer, is making the jump from novels to screenplays this year. Eggers is the author of the novels/memoirs You Shall Know Our Velocity!, A Heart Breaking Work of Staggering Genius, and What is the What. He's also written How We are Hungry and How the Water Feels to the Fishes, both great collections of short fiction. And, if you didn't already know this, he basically is McSweeney's. Now though, he's got two movies coming out, one of which is being directed by the absurdly amazing Spike Jonze. Check out the trailers below:

Away We Go, staring John Krazndklsfasdl of The Office (who like all people looks incredibeard in this trailer!) and Maya Rudolph of the SNL.

Where the Wild Things Are. Nothing needs to be said about this one.

Weezer - "The Good Life"

2009-03-22T14:23:00.001-07:00

1996, that's the year the following video came out! Let us celebrate it's 12 year anniversary by watching it and then discussing it a little bit:

Now I hadn't watched this video in years. A very, very, very long time. I honestly don't think I've seen it in this decade. It just magically popped into my head this morning while listening to MF Doom, of all people. All I really remembered about it was the overall existence of pizza in the video and the scenes with multiple cameras focused on the same thing from slightly different angles, whose shots were then all composed into a single frame.

Another thing I'd like to point out, is that this actually isn't really one of my favey faves. It's just that I watched it and it made me notice two things.

1) That's totally Mary Lynn Rajskub! You may know her from Mr. Show with Bob & David (which ran from 1995-1998, one of Adam Sandler's sisters in Punch Drunk Love, or (surprisingly her most famous role) as Chloe O'Brien on Fox's 24.

2) Actually, it only made me notice one thing. And I already mentioned it (please reference item #1).

Alright, well this post led to nothing. Have a good day.

The You Tube

2009-03-16T10:40:00.001-07:00

So I would say that most people that I know, know that I know nothing about knowing about what there is to know about YouTube. You could say that I'm not very good at YouTube. I don't know how to find funny things on there and am constantly amazed when my friends show me things that have been on the site for years, like that hamster eating popcorn on a piano.

Chocolate Rain? Found about that earlier this week. In fact, I know so little about viral videos that I can't even think of another super-popular video that I just found out about! All I got is Chocolate Rain. I guess I'm alway just too busy checking out music videos? (Also a lie, I use other sites for that...)

Another fact, I just started a YouTube account 2 weeks ago, and just today I figured out how to add friends to it. So if you got a friend invite today, you're among the first. And if you didn't get one, it's nothing personal, it's just that I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIND PEOPLE. I'm like an old, old man when it comes to YouTube.

Final fact about Me vs. YouTube. If you go to my YouTube page, you'll notice that all of my favorite videos were simply stolen from all my friend's favorite videos sections. I can't find things on my own. And even using this method, I've only been able to find like, three things.

So............ that was just an absurdly long introduction to the following video that I've "embedded" below. As you can tell from what I've written above, I'm quite proud of this "find" of mine! This is seriously only the second time that I've found a video on YouTube worthy of sharing on my own (the first being this one). So, while it may not be the coolest thing ever, I found it! And I think you'll like it too. It's of a small child that looks a lot like a tiny Patton Oswalt pretending to sing some song I've never heard; Genius!

Video Genius: Lance Bangs

2009-03-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Lance Bangs with Fred Armisen

Lance Bangs is a music video director, not much older than you or I, who got his start in music video by doing a lot of live footage. A lot of it's still around and it's mostly very good from what I hear. Although he still does dabble in live footage (much of it is actually really good, check out these videos of Arcade Fire and Yeah Yeah Yeahs) his real butter and bread is in music video.

His style seems early 90's at times, but he mostly comes off as just a garage-editing geek. I love it! You can tell he's got a small budget, but he tries his best to stretch it out as far as he can, like in this video by The Thermals:

In that video, he makes fun of what a music video "is supposed to be." His budget, obviously tiny, is exemplified with plastic helicopters and hand drawn bomb shells.

He's a very talented and humorous dude, much like myself I should say. He uses similar styles in his videos as well, it's pretty easy to watch a video and say "Hey, I bet Lance Bangs made that" and only be wrong 10-20% of the time. If you watched that Yeah Yeah Yeah's live footage above, you'll notice that this Black Keys video shares a similar aesthetic:

The Black Keys - New Music - More Music Videos

And finally, my favorite Lance Bangs video, Wet and Rusting by Menomena:

For high quality downloads of any of these videos, check out Lance Bangs . Com. You'll need Quicktime to watch them and they are rather large files.

Remembering Science

2009-03-06T09:26:00.000-08:00

Robert Krulwich and Jad Abumrad, hosts of WNYC's Radio Lab

Remember when science was fun? You got to poke at things and play in the dirt, you learned about animals and rocks and mountains. Too bad that was back in elementary school. Once you got to high school, for most of us anyhow, the good times were done and gone. Everything stopped being interesting. Your teacheer stopped being so enthusiastic. It was physics or it was chemistry and it wasn't about what physics or chemistry do in the world, it was about how memorizing Newton's Law, or Kepler's Law, or Boyle's Law, and remembering which element belonged in which column on the periodic table. Snoooooooooooooooze!

Anyhow, there's finally (actually it's been around for about 5 years or so) something that takes you back to those early days of learning about science, but this time it deals with everything. Not just rocks or mountains or animals or dirt and worms. We're talking about physics, chemistry, neuroscience...other-sciences? They present everything as brand new and explain exactly how everything works in simple and humorous ways. It's called Radio Lab and it broadcasts out of WNYC.

The hosts have such a great, cute, relationship with each other. One old and one young, they act like odd-couple best friends, who very often have differing opinions on sensitive subjects. This often leads into funny yet thought-provoking discussions.

Here's the link to an episode called Time in which they explain, well, time. And how maybe it doesn't really exist? It's good.

Click here to download Time by Radio Lab

If you like it, check out some other really great episodes by them including Memory and Forgetting, Sperm, Laughter, and This is Your Brain on Love. All of those can be found on iTunes by clicking here. If you don't have iTunes, you can get it for PC or Mac here.

15 Step

2009-03-03T16:07:00.001-08:00

Here's a mix album containing one song from each of my 15 Most Profound Albums. This might not really be the best mix, in fact, you might really dislike it, but eff it yo. I had fun making it. Each song brings back memories, good times and bad. Frankly, some of it's embarrassing. I figured it was either this or I write out one of those 25 things list, and those are non-musical. So enjoy this instead! Or don't, whatevs.

Click here to Download

1. Falling For You by Weezer
2. Fat and Skinny Asses by Piebald
3. Regulate by Nate Dogg & Warren G
4. Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) by Billy Joel (this song will give you a heart atack-ack-ack in your cadillac-ac-ac while eating a pancake stack-ack-ack...?)
5. Lie For A Lie by Built to Spill
6. Hovering (Instrumental) by Beulah
7. Emma Blowgun's Last Stand by Beulah
8. It's So Easy by Guns and Roses
9. Nightswimming by REM
10. Memory Loss by Deltron 3030
11. Jocko Homo by Devo
12. Pigs That Ran Straight Into The Water, Triumph of by The Mountain Goats
13. You Should Do It Now While It's On Your Mind by Owen
14. Minneapolis by that dog
15. My Little Drum by the Vince Guaraldi Trio

How the Air Feels to the Birds by Dave Eggers

2009-02-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

"They act if they had never heard the question before. The what? they say. The air? What about it? We smile and rephrase the question: What does the air feel like to you, you being a bird, able to fly and all? Finally they seem to understand, and they meditate on this awhile. And then they begin: The air to us is a brother, a sister. We are intrigued, and lean in closer. The air, they continue, now quieter. We lean in farther. They peck us in the eye and laugh wickedly. Birds are bastards, every one of them."

From Dave Eggers' very short book filled with very short stories, like the one above, called How the Water Feels to the Fishes. It's part of a collection of short stories put out by McSweeneys, which you can find here.

Newest addition!

2009-02-24T17:25:00.000-08:00

Yeah, that's right. It's Snake Plissken, sticking a giant gun in your face while trying to escape from LA. These situations happen people, time to get prepped.

Cherish this moment... it's one of only two action figures that I've ever opened. I bought this on eBay like a month ago and they finally delivered it to me last week, when it was raining like a....ummm...a bunch? The box they delivered it in just sat out in the rain for like 2 or 3 hours till someone got home and saw it sitting on the door step. Needless to say, the packaging for the figure was all shitty messed up, so I opened it up. Enjoy...?

2009-02-19T10:20:00.000-08:00

BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

My buddy Ryan Wood posted this on Facebook and it made me smile and occasionally giggle through all 9.5 minutes of its wondrous glory. Basically, Ely Kim entered this as his Michael Beirut's 100 Days Workshop. In this video he does 100 different dances to 100 different songs on 100 different (presumably successive) days.

Here's the link back to The Fader, which has the original post and track list:
Click.

Just to let you know, #26 and #80 are the bees knees.

2009-02-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

That's all I got for now.

The Wire

2009-02-03T11:22:00.000-08:00

I bought The Wire: The Complete Series a while back. Needless to say, I love it. With all of my heart, not just part of it. The whole thing. The whole heart that is. Anyhow, I'm currently filling out a survey that came inside the box. I fill it out, it enters me into a drawing to win a 42" Plasma Television. Here are some of my responses thus far:

What, if anything, would you change about The Wire - The Complete Series? Please be as specific as possible.

I would change the length from 5 seasons to a million seasons. I also would have made every episode last forever, then I would be able to never stop watching it, if that's what I wanted to do that is. I would just like knowing that I had that option.

What, if anything, do you like most about The Wire - The Complete Series? Please be as specific as possible.

Simply the fact that it was, and still is, the best anything ever.

Free Breakfast!

2009-02-02T11:08:00.000-08:00

I really dislike Denny's. In terms of all night diners, I'd much rather be scarfing down some Corn Beef Hash at Norm's or chomping on a been and beef burrito at any 24 hour Mexican joint. Buuut, unless my television is lying to me, Denny's is going to be giving away free Grand Slam's tomorrow from 6 am to 2 pm! Now even though I don't really like the food there, it's going to free, and thus will end up saving me $5 or $6 which would otherwise have been unwisely spent on a couple of Chalupas. Here's the ad, which ran during yesterday's awesome-as-balls Superbowl:

Two new friends coming soon...

2009-01-27T11:08:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow a couple of action figures from Watchmen come out, and needless to say, I've already pre-ordered the shit out of them! Tomorrow will be a good day, yes it will.

Not only is Watchmen a soon-to-be-released action flick directed by 300 direction, Zack Snyder, but it's also possibly the best graphic novel of all time. In fact, it made Time Magazines 100 Greatest Novels List (and I believe that it's the ONLY graphic novel to have made the list).

I've been wanting action figures based on the graphic novel for quite some time now, but it looks like that's just never going to happen. With the movie coming out though, they're putting out 8 figures based on the most popular characters from the story. Unfortunately all of them are based on designs from the movie, not the book. However, the two that are coming out tomorrow are to most similar to their appearance in the book itself and because of that those may end up being the only ones that I get, so suck it Warner Bros.! Suck it in your face!

The biggest "fuck you" from Warner Bros. though is that these figures are $24 each! Another reason I probably won't end up with the whole set. Anyhow, here are the figures:

Nite Owl I

Rorschach

And also, just for funzies, here's the trailer for Watchmen, in theaters 3-29-09!

My obsession began with...

2009-01-24T18:24:00.001-08:00

These next few videos here represent what started my interest in music videos:

Radiohead - New Music - More Music Videos

Radiohead - "Just"

U.N.K.L.E. - New Music - More Music Videos

U.N.K.L.E. - "Rabbit in Your Headlights"

Björk - New Music - More Music Videos

Björk - "It's Oh So Quiet"

And finally, the video that started it all:

Wax -"California"

As you can probably tell, Spike Jonze was and still is one of my favorite music video directors. Maybe later I'll post some director specific posts.

Stop all the Motion

2009-01-24T17:58:00.000-08:00

One of the things that I really like to do is watch new music videos. A lot of people think that videos are a dying art or whatevs, but whatevs, I'm still into them. From time to time I'll post some new music videos that I think are pretty dang cool (and I'll also post videos that totally suck boot).

One thing that I really like about that particular format is that the songs don't necessarily have to be very good, as long as the video is pretty sweet. Anyhow, below you'll see a couple of pretty sweet-arse videos employing the stop-motion technique. That's where there's like, motion, but they stop it? It's good. Check it yallz:

Matt and Kim - New Music - More Music Videos

That there is Matt and Kim's video for the song "Daylight." It's cutesy, sure, but it's also a pretty good song. It makes me want to run! It makes me want to jump on bike! It makes me want to dumpster dive!(?) Anyhow, they throw the stop-motion in at the end.

O'Death - New Music - More Music Videos

This one here is O'Death's "Low Tide" which is a pretty dang fun song. It's pretty wacky, kind of what I picture Ugly Casanova to sound like if they did lots of tweak? They're on Kemado Records, which is quickly turning into one of my favorite new labels. ENJOY mutha-effers.

My name is Two Hands

2009-01-23T17:52:00.000-08:00

This is where I will try to blog fairly often. Here's my older site, The Way I Feel On Particular Days; A Chronicle. I'll continue to post on both sites. But whatevs.

The basic idea behind Two Hands Radio is that I'll write about things... you know? It's going to be somewhat like a radio, not a radio station, but a radio itself. There'll be posts here about music, posts about movies, television, books? I don't really know. Some posts will sound like a hard rock station, others like your local country affiliate, while others will sound like talk radio. And others will be like a radio station where the people on it just talk about action figures.

Two Hands Radio is also the name of my Pandora radio station that I listen to. If you want to catch a glimpse of what I'm listening to, I guess you can figure out a way to find it on there.

Anyhow, come and read if you'd like.