the lie and how we told it: The Truth by Erin Mahoney

Today starts off a new series here at two hands radio. I've asked a few friends to come down and share a little story with us. Works are completely fiction and there's pretty much only one rule: Keep your stories under 800 words. It should be pretty fun and I'm looking forward to reading all of them. We're gonna run this until I stop getting submissions. If you'd like to submit one, send a story over to me at zuhair.zama [at] gmail.com.

The Truth
by Erin Mahoney

I've never told a lie in my life. I have no interest in falsities. Half-truths never make it fully out of my mouth. I sure hope you believe me. Honest, I do!

I am not a lawyer giving my final arguments, convincing you of my client's innocence. I'm not a doctor telling you your prognosis and what I sincerely think your chances are. I am not selling anything, I don't represent anyone, and I have nothing at all to gain from this.

I know I am not alone and that despite all the fuss about white lies, and innocent deceptions, and all the other garbage people use to excuse themselves for dishonesty – despite all that, there are actually a few folks out there who have taken the same path as me, who retain a golden tongue. I wonder if they are as lonely as I am. If we ever met, I wonder if we'd get along, or if our truths would rattle together incessantly, like the box of dishes in my backseat, until they drove us apart.

I believe that always telling the truth allows me to gauge when others aren't. I am not the dough-eyed picture of naivety so-often depicted in movies and novels, who is so pure she simply cannot conceive of why someone might want to lie to and take advantage of her. I am practical, realistic, and perhaps even a bit cynical. I can read body language, detect facial tics, record idiosyncrasies. I'm a library of telling mannerisms.

I can also tell when someone thinks I'm lying - like you, for instance. You are looking at me like you have some sort of secret knowledge, privately inverting everything I say into what you can believe. I will not argue with you. What is the point?

Living like this is not exactly a choice for me, as I am not that good-hearted. In the past I have tried to cover my tracks with lies, but the mere utterance filled me with such dread I had no choice but to immediately come clean, shaming and embarrassing myself while others would have happily whistled away.

I can tell that you're wondering why I am revealing all of this to you. Frankly, I am not entirely sure. Maybe it's because you seem like the sort of person I can talk to and really open up about myself. Like I said, mine is a lonely existence. Maybe it's because I noticed how awkwardly you were standing here, alone in a room of people, stuffing crackers in your mouth to avoid meaningless conversation.

Truthfully, though, it's because you stink, and the smell was bothering me so much that I just had to be honest with you. You really stink.

This isn't Erin's first post here at two hands radio. If you're interested, check out her Year in Review post she did for our last series.

Breaking Bad

With one episode left before I finish watching season 2 and season 3 beginning tomorrow night I can safely say that Breaking Bad has finally made it into the realm I like to call "My Favorite Shows." It's getting pretty dang close to being part of "My Favorite Anythings Ever," but hasn't quite reached that status yet. Yet.

The cast is phenomenal. Bryan Cranston is fantastic as the high school chem teacher turned 5-star meth chef. Aaron Paul is great as his junkie partner. I am constantly feeling my heartstrings pull every time he smokes a glass ball of meth (is that what it's called?), I just want that asshole to get clean! That sounded...not right. Anyhow. Dean Norris magically has a bigger head than Michael Chiklis, yet is way the eff more loveable (even though his presence as Bryan Cranston's DEA Agent brother-in-law is a definite source of my nervousness, not to mention my rising blood pressure). And of course, Bob Odenkirk's addition to the cast in season 2, as the sketchy, sleaze-ball, attorney is effing grand!

Anyhow. If you're already watching this show, please humbly accept the following "bravo." Bravo! In fact, why don't you take this "huzzah!" as well. Huzzah! If you're not, now's a good time to catch up. You've got a little over 24 hours to watch the 20 episodes that have already aired. Plenty of time.

Season Three of Breaking Bad airs tomorrow night on AMC at 10pm. Or you can find it anytime in the next forever by logging onto your favorite torrent site about an hour or so after the east coast feed.

Just a quick reminder

Sir Catinsuit pleasantly reminds you to stop creating internet memes and start writing really, really short stories

Hey ya, Hey ya, Hey ya, Hey.

Just reminding you that "the lie and how we told it" is starting up next week. Send in your stories! I have a few so far, but not as many as I'd like. We're starting up Monday and we'll be posting up a new story each day till we run out of 'em. Why do I keep calling me "we"? We should stop doing that.

Anyhow, check this post out for all the info and also the....send it in place thing...EMAIL ADDRESS! That you're supposed to send the stories to! We're probably not going to write a story.

the lie and how we told it

In about three weeks we'll be starting up a new series. Last time we did year in review posts from a variety of different people (read: my friends who weren't too lazy to write something). In that series we learned about how people felt in 2009, what they learned, who was important to them, and all that other boring-ass bullshit. This time around though, we're going to change course.

This time I want to post some short (very short) fiction. Again, I'll serve as editor and possibly post one of my own. Not sure yet. Anyhow. I'd like to start in a few weeks here so if you'd like to participate go ahead and send me a story to zuhair.zama[at]gmail.com with the subject heading "the lie and how we told it." If I did my job correctly, all you have to do is click on the email link and it should do all that for you.

There aren't really too many parameters to this series aside from these:

•Works need to be, well, fictitious. That would help.
•Please try and keep them short. Ideally they'd be around 1-800 words. That's like a 1 page Maximus (from Ridley Scott's shit-storm of bullshit Gladiator) in Word.
•That's it.

Send them starting now up until I say the series is ending. You've got at least 4 weeks to participate!

First work related "injury."

On Days that I am Working

This morning while walking around the giant store I work in I realized something.

I wake up when you are going to bed or are falling asleep.
I take my first break you are just waking up.
I take my lunch break when you are clocking in.
I clock out and head home when you're on your lunch break.
I go to bed when you other nine-to-fivers are just getting home.

Yesterday at work a co-worker asked me if I voted for Obama and then, before I could answer, posed the follow-up "Wait, is it legal for you to vote here?" Not really thinking about what she meant by that I responded with, "Duh, I'm 26!" while pointing at my bearded face (and body). She was kind of caught off guard by my response and it took me a moment to realize she had been assuming that I was either a) an illegal alien, or b) an intergalactic alien. Either way though, she definitely didn't think I was an American citizen. Oh wells that ends wells.

Dear Ocean

“…the Japanese Spider Crab has a body the size of a basketball and its legs can straddle a car. They will eventually measure a massive 15ft… The crab, called Macrocheira kaempferi in Latin, was caught by fishermen in the Pacific Ocean and has now been imported to Britain where it has gone on display at the National Sea Life Centre in Birmingham."(source)

Dear Ocean,

Fuck off. Seriously. Are you kidding me with this? Honestly, I've had enough of your bullshit. Let's find a way to get back to being all cute and Finding Nemoish again, because seriously, all of these new gigantic monsters you're creating are really starting to get on my nerves. I do not like being terrified constantly. Because of you, I'm considering a move further inland.

Please die already.

Love and tenderness,
Zuhair.

Oh Eric! Ya done did it again!

Here's Eric Wareheim's newish (I guess it's about 4 months old...whoops) video for the song "Keep it Going Louder" by them effing weirdos in Major Lazer. The video isn't really NSFW, unless you don't mind your coworkers thinking you're a deviant of some sort (sexual).

Here's another video he did for them a while back. This one is, well, yes, most definitely NSFW and is possibly NSFA (A = anywhere).

Major Lazer "Pon De Floor" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

Community

Community has become one of my favorite new sitcoms. It took me a while to admit this. It's fairly standardly paced and at times it seems to be yearning for a laugh track. The more I watched it though, the more I enjoyed it. I guess I owe that to having seen Donald Glover (who plays Troy, the football jock) perform a couple of times at the UCB Theatre. He was so dang funny, I had to start paying closer attention to the show. And, boyohboy, amigladidid.

It's not always great, but when it's good, it's damn good. The show is a ridiculous comedy, not trying very hard to be anything other than funny. It's got a good dose of meta in it, and it's self-referencing is gosh darn hi-larious. Once critics started pointing out pure character stereotypes on the show, they embraced the eff out of them. Somewhere around midseason, this show started getting really good.

In a perfect world, Chevy Chase would have never been added to the cast, but oh wells. My favorite character is easily Señor Chang, played by Ken Jeong. This isn't a character you've never seen before. Many shows have featured the angrier-than-is-necessary-teacher character. But Ken's play on this old archetype is fantastic. Also, he very much reminds me of what I think my friend James would be like as a teacher of any sort. Is that racist? It's probably racist. Alright, time to stop using words like "archetype" and to start watching some dang clips!







Community is on Hulu. I think. Watch it if you'd like. Other than that, it's on NBC, Thursday nights, either right before or after 30 Rock.

This is how big of a nerd I am.

Google - How to Impress a French Woman

This video made me smile way more than it needed to. I guess there's still a little Nerd City left in me after all...